World Champ Stephen Neal Archives

Who Wants a Moustache Ride?

2008-12-22T07:37:00.001-08:00

Appearance Matters. . . .

2008-12-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gents, supporters of the World Champ across the globe, a
troubling notion has recently been brought to my attention whilst
traversing across Darkest Africa. Although my quest to recover our
dear Mr. Witsie continues, my savage porters have made note of the
motley appearance maintained by the WCSN Faithful. Thus, I feel it my
duty to straighten things out – a "Call to Order," if you will.

Thus, I present to you the OFFICIAL WCSN DRESS CODE!

Here at WCSN Central, we maintain a strict moral code. While the
World Champ has always been a champion for freedom and expression,
several of you have been getting rather lax in your personal
appearance. Remember, you all represent the World Champ in your
respective corners of the globe. I expect only the best, and find it
necessary to revisit a few recent violations…

Beast, while a fine and upcoming executive, as well as my
indefatigable Official WCSN Head of Security, has been seen sporting
this spectacular puffy vest around the streets of Tottingham. While it
would provide ample protection when executing a Kirk-style diving
roll, it also allows bystanders to grab onto a puffy protrusion.
Furthermore, he has taken to shaving his entire body, David Beckham
style, for the sake of fashion.

Froby, on the other hand, recently purchased a Swashbucklers vest
whilst frolicking in the Spanish Riviera. While it maintains high
quality Olde-World craftsmanship, we simply cannot get him to remove
it. Furthermore, he has been spotted carrying a broad-sword in
Paddington Station, although he claims it was for protecting his
leather hat. I have no problem with the pants.

To round things off, Scarlet has taken a rather reductive approach to
her personal appearance. Although we at WCSN Central are firm
supporters of velvet, there is simply no firm support in her vest. Her
vest-wearing has caused several electrical malfunctions, and resulted
in several riots throughout Eastern Africa and Central Asia.

As for MJ, as you can see, the main issue may lie beyond her lack of footwear…

Mr. T, while sporting an admirable facial moustache, unfortunately
wears moustaches on his feet as well. You can imagine the trouble it
causes on the days he decides to use moustache wax.

Finally, our fair First Nations has always been fond of bare feet.
While it is a bold stand against colonization and assimilation, one
can only take so much of the "bathroom stall graffiti" tattooed on her
feet. We already have Beast's phone number!

The Champ's Top Ten Reasons for Growing a Beard

2008-11-30T07:43:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

An American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the United Kingdom.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That is when you chaps left."

While I Have Been Away. . . . .

2008-11-23T13:29:00.001-08:00

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Africa and the Champ - A Match Made in Heaven

2008-11-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

Loyal supporters and adoring fans,

As most of you have been closely following my progress in the hunt for Mr. Witsie in Darkest Africa, I thought I might share a few observations that I've picked up along the way. It seems that Africa is a perfect fit for a World Champ.

First, I've found that my astounding size and amazing girth puts me head and shoulders above the natives. Size always matters, and my barrel chest is a force to be reckoned (or wreckoned) with.

Speaking of size, everything in Africa is bigger (including me). For example, something as mundane as butter. In America, this nectar of the gods is sold in thin little sticks:

However, in Africa, one buys it by the Kg. Even the butter trays are built to suit a huge brick of slick heaven:

Consider also the force that unites us all ... aside from my beard: Electricity. In America, the appliance plugs are feeble and petite:

In Black Africa, they bring the thunder with their power cables (unless Eskom is rationing, or Mugabe is running the show, etc. etc.) Even my giant mitts, which are often likened to canned hams, with fingers like sausages (or appropriately named "bangers" to you Brits), can't wrap themselves around these huge plugs:

Even the outlets are vastly different. In America, they are tight and tiny, and are always pink. Very un-Champ:

Now see it's girthy African counterpart. It is a world unto itself, even manned with its own power switch, much like the Champ:

Oddly enough, there is one thing that is actually smaller in the White Man's Grave - bags of potato chips. The largest size available is equivalent to the American convenient store "Big Grab," which, of course, is a single serving.

In the States, you go right for the "Value Size" if you've got any grit at all. These bags also double as a poncho if inclement weather sneaks up on your snackfest:

Oddly enough, the US has another commodity that is noticeably bigger than the African version.

Reminiscences, again...

2008-10-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

Throwback day!

If you liked this, or even this, you might like this...

However, it requires more than the usual Official WCSN 30-second Span of Attention.

Why Manscaping is a Bad Idea (a salute to Beast and Frobisher)

2008-10-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

The World Champ tells an unknown gentleman at the bar that he
"doesn't like the cut of his jib." Thinking it was all in jest, the
stranger lets out a hearty laugh. Shortly after this photograph was
taken, Stephen Neal forced the gentleman to eat his beverage
container.

After some "manscaping" by Miss MJ, the World Champ decides to sing
karaoke with a couple of fun-loving chaps. Note the Champ is sipping
on a strawberry coolie instead of his usual 5W-30. Note also that the
Champ is singing back-up. Note once again that the featured song is
"Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my head."

After regaining his hair-composure, Stephen Neal decides to go
bowling. For people. Using a football helmet. Note the correct
four-fingered overhand grip, for extra spin.

Stephen Neal, sporting the "Telly Savalas," decides to forego a
previously scheduled death-match with France, and opts to stroll
through a park, looking for songbirds. He was heard humming the call
of the Speckled Hineypuffer.

A fully-bearded Champ relentlessly attacks a group of youths who
try to access the climbing wall at the local YMCA. The wall has yet to
be touched.

The Champ, with a clean and trim jawline, spots a box of abandoned
puppies in central New England. The sight brings a smile to his face,
and a glimmer to his eye. He decides to sit down, "Indian-style" (no
offence, Nations), and watch them pounce and play. He misses his
appointment to urinate on Australia.

There are days you have good cards. And there are days you have GREAT cards.

2008-10-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

Update: My hunt for Mr. Witsie recently led me to the Kalahari Sands Casino, where I was told a gentleman by the name "Tommy Sneakers" was holding some valuable information.

It was late in the day, and after carefully brushing the sand from my beard, MJ was still unpacking up in the room. Now, I know better than to rush into things, but I wanted to test the gambling waters downstairs in that sumptuous casino. Most gamblers don't expect to have a fantastic run right out of the gate, but my beard felt otherwise. Runnin', smokin' and bangin' — that's how it rolls.

I knew that "Tommy Sneakers" was waiting at the Three Card Pokertable, and I made my way over there, draped with the undergarments of my adoring fans. "Nice start," I said to myself. Nonetheless, I dearly hope this trip doesn't end in the demise of my star-spangledlycra. "Let's see what happens now," I mused.

I spotted Sneakers across the room, and our eyes met in one chilling instant. You would have thought I won the Irish Sweepstakes by the smile on my face. Then he was off! I started after him, but the pile of undergarments had by now become so cumbersome, that my normal cat-like movements were hindered. A gambler never knows when a winning streak comes to an end, and for now Sneakers would elude me for another day.

This dazzling spectacle at the Three Card table earned my beard a spot in the annual "World's Strongest Man" competition, but alas, I am wed to a higher calling, and Mr. Witsie must be saved!

Tuesday's Transom

2008-10-07T06:24:00.001-07:00

Stephen Neal always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

2008-09-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Loyal fans,

As I begin my journey across the highveld, I thought that a few disguises may be necessary. Thus, I present to you the Official WCSN Disguise Extravaganza!

Which disguise will give the World Champ the best chance of sneaking by Witsie's captors? Which disguise will cause the water in the Great Rift Valley to boil in fear? Which disguise will reign supreme?

The Calm Before The Storm

2008-09-10T10:16:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gents,

Before my triumphant departure, the World Champ found it necessary to offer the Americas a final parting gift. After all, Stephen Neal needs to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. Thus, as a constant reminder, the World Champ plucked a single hair from an undisclosed region of his body and tossed it into the Atlantic Ocean.

While some of you may be surprised at the result, just remember that Stephen Neal destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Now, off to Savage Africa to save Mr. Witsie!

Show Your Support Today!

2008-09-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

Now all of the WCSN Faithful across the globe can show their support by receiving a complementary Official WCSN War Bond. Together, we can save Mr. Witsie!

Who's With Me???!!!

2008-09-02T18:56:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Lasses and Fair Maidens, Members of the Local Gentry and beyond,

It is my great pleasure to invite you to open your minds and hearts, and join me on an epic journey. I have toiled for months, and surely justice is due me. I have faced countless sleepless nights, and have exposed myself to the harshest of conditions. I have faced the mirror image of my beard, and wrestled until daybreak. And now, WCSN Faithful, I am ready. It is finally time to rescue Mr. Witsie from his captives deep in the White Man's Grave. My beard has been preparing for this insurmountable task, and now, dear friends, it is time.

Many of you know the tragic story of our dear friend, who was once sentenced to community service for moving Pre-Columbian artifacts across international borders. Recently, things have taken a turn for the worse, and our valiant hero has been seized by savages in Black Africa over his possession of several sacred and powerful objects. We do not know the exact whereabouts of our brave collector, and now, only my beard can deliver him from certain death.

The World Champ has friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear. With any luck, he's located the whereabouts of Mr. Witsie already.

The World Champ flies whenever the hell he wants to.

Tabula Rasa

2008-09-02T18:51:00.001-07:00

2008-06-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have stood tall beside the World Champ, and weathered the many storms of adversity (as well as enjoying the punishment of a certain Clarinetist, as well as this guy), you know of my undying love for competition. And nothing says competition quite like the annual SCRIPPS spelling bee. You may remember the drama and excitement emitting from my beard from the 2006 competition. Well, it's that time of year once again, and the competition was deadlier than ever. While in the past I have provided numerous highlights of these, our future leaders of politics and industry, I believe this year needs only one clip. Taste the suspense, and drink up the excitement.

While the domination of Sameer Mishra was undeniable, his opponent in the finals, Sidharth Chand, was nothing to scoff at. While the judges found him wanting in his spelling aptitude, I felt that other aspects of this young man should have been taken into consideration. Take, for example, the fact that this 12-year-old kid sports a full-on moustache, ala a young World Champ. In my book, that beats any spelling hono(u)rs, hands down.

W.W.W.C.S.N.D.?

2008-06-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents, as you well know, I continually fight for the freedom to let your voice be heard. Thus, it is my great pleasure to present a new segment for your voting pleasure: The "What Would World Champ Stephen Neal Do" Voting Extravaganza! That's right, folks! Below are a series of scenarios that my beard came across while seeking out the perfect protein bar and body wash mix. After a fine-toothed evaluation, I leave it up to you, my loyal viewers, to determine whether the World Champ gives each an approving nod, or his trademark "Italian Chandelier of Doom." It will take a keen eye, and the heart of a lion, but I have faith in you, my loyal viewers, to identify the Official WCSN stance on each scene. Ladies and gents, I am listening!

1.

2.

3.

4.

Tips for T

2008-05-30T17:59:00.001-07:00

Many of you may have noticed that our dear Mr T. has recently undergone a change in his facial appearance. I was both hono(u)red and offended by his decision to sell his moustache in order to support the rescue of Mr. Witsie. Because I feel partially responsible for his actions, I am asking you, the WCSN Faithful, to decide which style of moustache should reside on his lip. As a new member of the Beard Team USA, I have taken the liberty of listing the accepted moustache categories for international competition below. Ladies and gents, which marvelous moustache might Mr T. molt above his mandible?

Natural
Moustache may be styled but without aids.

The hairs are allowed to start growing from less than a maximum of 1.5 cm beyond the end of the upper lip.

No aids are allowed.

English
Slender, beginning from the middle of the upper lip with the hairs extremely long and pulled to the side. Tips may be lifted slightly.

The hairs are only allowed to start growing up to the end of the upper lip.

Aids are allowed.

Dali
Slender with long tips, straight up or arching up.

The hairs are only allowed to start growing up to the end of the upper lip.

Aids are allowed.

Imperial Moustache

Small and bushy with tips arching up.

The hairs are only allowed to start growing up to the end of the upper lip.

Aids are allowed.

Hungarian
Big and bushy, beginning from the middle of the upper lip and pulled to the side.

The hairs are allowed to start growing from less than a maximum of 1.5 cm beyond the end of the upper lip.

Aids are allowed.

Freestyle
All moustaches that do not match other classes. Hairs can start growing from less than the maximum of 1.5 cm from the end of the upper lip.

Aids are allowed

Ladies and Gents, I am listening!

A Savage Sandwich

2008-05-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents, as a tip-of-the-cap to the recent influx of Native contributers, the World Champ asks you, my loyal viewers, Who Is Your favo(u)rite Savage?

Could it be the ever-popular Noble Savage? Uncorrupted by the influences of civilization, the idealized picture of "nature's gentleman," unspoiled, and Edenic. They presented a nice image for the Colonials, who were busy bartering blankets for land.

Or maybe you lean toward the Evil Savage? Unlearned, unmannered, and uncultured, this brutal primitive is the bain of civilization. Remember those blankets? You'd be pissed too.

How about the ever-popular Hot Savages, the Sexy Indians? Amorous, concupiscent, lascivious and lusty. The Bold and the Beautiful. There's nothing like a handsome Brave on a balmy Saturday afternoon at Paddington Station.

Maybe you prefer the Bombastic Savage, First Nations? Assertive and militant, striking and remarkable. Clad in leather, and ready to ride. Ever wondered where the phrase "going Indian" originated?

And, of course, there's always the fan-favo(u)rite, the lovable, and always in fashion, Fred Savage.

And now, ladies and gents, I turn to you - which Natural Wonder of the World will reign supreme?

Happy Beast Day

2008-05-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip to the UK, my bladdered beard wandered into the back of beyond. "Gordon Bennett!" some of you might exclaim - but Bob's your uncle. There was nothing to fear. It was, after all, the World Champ's beard. After taking a bab from the back passage, it hailed a backie toward Birmingham. After a short while, the beard noticed that the driver was a barmcake bar steward, going Barclay's Bank base over apex. The beard, now up for a bit of spare, leaped from the backie, and landed on a blower. Bleeding like a stuck pig, the beard was completely bollocksed. Still in the boonies, it approached a brown flat which read "Beast" on the door. Noticing that there was a bash going on inside, the beard peeked towards the big white telephone and Blimey! A blitzed Beast was busy with a bloater!

Best birthday wishes and a bag of sand, Big Cheese!

For those of you who don't speak the Queen's English, click here for a translation.

The World Champ Heeds the Call

2008-05-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents,

As many of you know, I've been underground for quite some time, devising a plan for my ultimate triumph over those who would hamper the voice of the World Champ, which rings aloud like the liberty bell itself. However, I've just been alerted that our old and loyal friend, Mr. Witsie, has been detained in southern Africa after a misunderstanding over some antiquities. For all of the WCSN faithful, you know that this is not the first time our beloved friend has come under such scrutiny. The situation looks dire, and only the power drawn from the beard of a lycra-clad warrior can sustain him. Thus, Ladies and Gentlemen, I find myself at a new cross-roads. I will answer the call, and rescue our Friend from the hands of an unjust tyrant. My journey will begin in a few short months, and your continued support will help see it through.

The White Man's Grave calls, and the World Champ will blaze through it's deadly gates, like Tecumseh himself, wielding an unnaturally large stick. I call on you to rally around the beard, and bear witness to it's triumph!

A Message for the Empire

2007-12-17T02:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Britain,

As a representative of the United States of America, and the symbol of all things hono(u)rable, strong, and hair-covered, I present to you a question. While we appreciate the fact that you have exported some of your best ideas and representatives of high society in order to "culture" us backwoods rustics, we are currently at a loss. We recently received from you, with much imperial fanfare, the gift of one David Beckham and his slight associate Painfully Thin Spice.

Could you please inform us as to what they actually "do?" Obviously our lack of refinement is effecting our level of sophistication, and we are blind to all reason and recognition as to why we received such a gift from your gracious hand.

Sincerely,

World Champ Stephen Neal

Another Day in the Life...

2007-12-01T20:21:00.000-08:00

This holiday season, the World Champ received a surprise visit from none other than Grandpa World Champ! He stood tall with his face to the wind, silver beard daring Mother Nature to do her worst. GWC is a living legend in seventeen countries and three territories, mainly due to his inordinant amount of body hair, which has whitened with age and wisdom over the years. He was also recently banned from Singapore, after introducing the "Hamilton Handshake" to it's citizens.

Thus, after winding his way through the back-alleys of the Orient, and downing quarts of penicillin, he made his way back to the friendly confines of WCSN Central. To celebrate this momentous event, we decided to visit a few of the neighborhood kids...

A Day in the Life of the World Champ

2007-11-29T18:28:00.000-08:00

7:00 A.M.
After yet another eventful night of mystery and intrigue, the World Champ rises to greet the day. Yesterday's beard comes off with the help of a weed-eater and sandblaster, and the fresh-faced Champ is ready for his morning ritual of counting to infinity - twice.

9:15 A.M.
While checking up on the exploits of Beast, the World Champ spells his own name incorrectly on Google. It doesn't say, "Did you mean World Champ Stephen Neal?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." 5-o-clock shadow makes an appearance.

11:45 A.M.
After reading Froby's comment about Ben Cohen, the World Champ grows angry. Anger increases beard growth by 37%. Two nearby children are maimed by the spontaneous combustion. Following this episode, the World Champ makes his daily phone call to Bill Gates. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Stephen Neal's PC will crash.

3:12 P.M.
In response to his beard's insatiable hunger, the World Champ eats a Jeep. He then promptly notifies Nations that he is now 1/8 Cherokee. He then watches an entire season of "24" in just three hours. Following this amazing feat of media consumption, Stephen Neal's beard prepares to find some female company.

Back To Business

2007-11-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

Now that everyone has given their fond farewells to Witsie (at least for now), I have decided to continue on with the Official WCSN International Figurehead Showdown. For those of you who are new to this, I have been relentlessly seeking out suitable representatives from around the globe to function as my beard and ears in the far reaches of my domain. And due to my ever-increasing international audience, I have decided to present a multi-national triumvirate for your approval.

That's right, Ladies and Gents. I present to you the newest candidates to represent my World Champness. You know them, you love them.

The (other) Three Tenors!

Of course, I say the Other Three Tenors, because we all know who the original, most respected and well-known Three Tenors are. But enough about that. Ladies and Gents, I turn to you, The People, once again to let your voices be heard. Which of these three other tenors most represents the triumph of my beard? Which of the three can speak braille? Which one can do a wheelie on a unicycle? Which one can win a game of Connect Four in three moves? In short, which one would you choose as my worthy representative and ambassador? As your humble servant, I am listening!

While each of the other tenors have their respective strengths, the WCSN Tale of the Tape can provide additional insight, and assist you in making an informed decision.

"Lucky" Luciano Pavarotti.
Height: 6'4''
Weight: Infinite
Beard Ranking: 87

Notable Strength: When performing on stage, Pavarotti wore a cup (for all you non-Americans, a male athletic supporter) not to protect himself, but to protect the audience. Furthermore, on his birthday, he would randomly select one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Finally, while it is believed that Pavarotti died a few months ago, the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

"Flaccid" Placido Domingo
Height: 5'11''
Weight: Robust
Beard Ranking: 39

Notable Strength: Domingo sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off. Also, he doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

"No Way" Jose Carreras
Height: 5'7''
Weight: Spotty
Beard Ranking: 21

Notable Strength: Carreras is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Furthermore, he is the only one who can "try this at home."

Speak your mind! My beard is listening...

The Horror! The Horror!

2007-11-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

For all of you who have so graciously inquired on the whereabouts of Mr. Witsie, I have a brief update for you.

Our fearless Gentleman of Olde is sojourning through Darkest Africa, and has been out of contact for several months. His ongoing affair with the White Man's Grave never ceases to amaze, as he continues to collect exotic and rare artifacts from even the most remote of primitives. Yet, as we all know, you can't judge Mr. Witsie as you would an ordinary man. You don't talk with that man - you listen to him. But his soul is mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had looked within itself and, by heavens I tell you, it had gone mad. For Mr. Witsie, trapped in some inland post, felt that the savagery, the utter savagery, had closed round him--all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the hearts of wild men. There's no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible, which is detestable. And it has a fascination, too, which goes to work upon him. The fascination of the abomination--you know. Imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate.

But I digress...

Please post your greetings and best wishes for our favo(u)rite son. He may yet resurface, only to find your fond salutations!

Who Is Like The World Champ?

2007-11-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gents, I had originally planned on using this latest post in hono(u)r of Frobisher's love for all things Oriental. However, because the World Champ resides in but a small corner of his domain, I've decided to search the globe for worthy representatives of my World Champness. These mighty individuals will be appointed as regents to uphold WCSN law in all corners of the globe. And, of course, I turn to you, The People, to give the final nod to each candidate.

Due to cultural relativism, concepts and images may change from nation to nation. For example, the penultimate symbol of American freedom, Colonel Sanders, is known as "Grandfather Kentucky" in Japan.

Thus I ask you, the loyal fans, "Who best represents the World Champ in neighboring cultures around the universe?" In search of dominant figureheads to oversee my domain, we will begin by appointing the Japanese individual who best represents my indefatigable beard across the mighty Atlantic. Ladies and Gents, I give you the Official WCSN International Figurehead Showdown! Let the games begin!

Because the voting pool is so large, I've exercised my right as World Champ to present only the finest representatives of Japonisme who might take up the mantle of World Champness on my behalf. Thus, I declare the members of the highly acclaimed and indomitable "Takeshi's Castle" to be the finest of all Japanese specimens. I ask you, the WCSN Faithful, to decide once and for all, Whose Hairless Body Will Reign Supreme, and become the Official WCSN Japanese Spokesman? Let's get it on!

Number one in our stellar field is none other than Guy Le Douche. A true warrior who loves to punch his own clock, Guy LeDouche is a fine combination of British Colonialism and Japanese good-looks. "Guy" is also sometimes replaced with Geek, Goon, and Gay.

Slogan: "Do you wash your plumbs?"

Our next contestant is none other than the handsome heartbreaker, Captain Tenneal. Also known as "The Skipper,"Captain Tenneal enjoys Donkey work, Monkey Business, Horse Play and Cock Fun.

Slogan: "Get it On!"

The next representative of all things oriental is none other than Herby the Steamy Pile. Although Herby lies dormant during the winter, his winning personality makes up for any absence. Herby is stumping on his noted ability to grow body hair on virtually any area of his form.

Slogan: 'Yes I was pleased to see you, and yes it was a gun in my pocket.'

Of course, this list wouldn't be complete without Jimmy Junk. Also called Danny Glands, Golden Shower Boy, and numerous other names, JJ is best known for for his ability as a cunning linguist. He sings and has a skillful use of body language? You better believe it.

Slogan: "You may be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater."

M on M, also called the Gonad Twins, give you two for the price of one. While their outfits may not be quite suitable to represent the World Champ, they make up for it with their strong foreign policy (or policies?).

Slogan: "It's obviously a cannon!"

The Green Tea Bagger has always been a bit of a mystery. For one, how did a non-Japanese white man earn his way into the ranks of Takeshi's Castle? This fact alone makes him a strong candidate. He is also big on defense spending, and has a strong stance on immigration.

Slogan: "I had to follow my dog around for three days with a baggie to get it back, man."

And last, but not least, we have the mighty Purple Package. The Package has some strong resemblances to the Champ, sans the hair. Also known as "The Jolly Menace," the Package promises to increase spending on domestic beer. In addition, the Package supports the creation of new public holidays.

Slogan: Let's see what Package has in his sack for you..."

Make your choice and let your voice be heard!

Still the World Champ

2007-11-04T16:29:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

For those of you who know, the events of this evening proved once again that I am indeed the World Champ. But, before I haul my sweat-matted body into the shower, I must pour out accolades to all of you, the true believers!

In true World Champ fashion, I am pleased to announce the total destruction of the World Famous WCSN "Whose Mouth Is It?" Contest! The results were so good that not only have I decided to grant all participants the winning amount of Fighting Points, but have decided to enact a Tabula Rasa for Daisy.

Hats off to all of you, and enjoy your moment of victory! Next time the stakes will be much higher.

Do you know jacko?

You Asked For It...

2007-11-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

And I'm always faithful to deliver. That's right folks, it's the Official First WCSN Fighting Points Competition of 2007! For those of you who are new to this, it's the only way to get on the Big Board.

Because my beard is still shaking off the dust from an exotic world tour, the first competition will be an easy one. It's been hailed from all corners of the globe, and praised from the slums of Mexico City to the "Gentlemen's establishments" of Bangkok. That's right ladies and gentlemen, it's the World Famous WCSN "Whose Mouth Is It?" Contest!

The contestant who can properly identify the owner of this mug will be rewarded with a spray of 300 Fighting Points! In addition, the contestant who can tell us what activity said mouth is involved in will be overwhelmed with 200 Fighting Points! No People's Choice winner this time. It's all World Champ, so drink it up.

A Great Tree Has Fallen

2007-10-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Giggling schoolgirls across the globe let out a collective sigh as the handsome, big-voiced baritone known as Robert Goulet recently sang his last tune. The Broadway legend heartily bellowed out the phrase "Just watch my vocal cords," before slapping the rear end of his wet-nurse, and taking his last intercultural breath.

While most would allege that Goulet passed on after losing a battle with a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis, the World Champ thinks otherwise. While it is widely known that Goulet was a native of the liberal stronghold of Massachusetts, he also had a darker side. A side that earned him such nicknames as "The Mighty Black Stash," and "Prickly-Pete." Yes, it's true. Goulet spent much of his youth sewing the oats of dissention and revelry in the "country" known as Canada.

While medical professionals would have you believe that Goulet was in dire need of a lung transplant, I've seen the ugly underbelly of this tragic story. In reality, Goulet was living a double-life. A life divided by two irreconcilable forces, which led to his ultimate demise. Yes, the essence of Americana that ran through his hardened and constricted veins had reached it's limit, and needed to purge all things Canada from the mega-star's panty-draped frame. As they say, a Goulet divided cannot stand.

Our hats off to you, Sultan of Pomade. Your moustache will not be forgotten.

Reminisences

2007-01-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gents,

After hardship and toil, censorship and exile, those of us who represent everything that is right, dashing, handsome and firm have risen to the top in victory. That's right. For many months I have worked night and day to get back what was rightfully yours: The Original World Champ Stephen Neal Blog!

To all of the WCSN faithful, and you know who you are, this is a tribute to you. Although I will not be adding any new posts to this site, please allow it to serve as a memorial of the path less traveled, and one that stood up, unshaken and unafraid, in the face of the Evil Empire, screaming, "I am humanity! I will be heard!"

Take a few moments to reminisce on the past year: the ideas we discussed, the contests so valiantly fought, the blogs that we forcibly shut down, and the endless string of comments that we have all contributed. This, the final post of the Original Site, will remain an open thread, and it is my desire that we all stop in from time to time, shed the burdens of Today, and enjoy the memories like a glass of fine Kentucky bourbon.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this living memorial, and my beard, salute you!

Coming Soon ... More Kirk!?

2006-10-24T07:33:00.000-07:00

Could it be that Kirk was one of the leading forces of social change on the 60's? Was this starship commander also a revolutionary? Did he sire an intergalactic love-child? Stay tuned to find out!

The Femme Fatalist!

2006-10-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation and mathematics, I am proud to announce the winner of the WCSN OFFICIAL FEMME FATALE TITLE. Believe me folks, this was not an easy fight. Both candidates were quite noble in their campaigns, and did not stoop to any "smear tactics" (although this would have been rather entertaining). In the end, I tally 15 votes for Jungle Jane, and 14 votes for Blue Genie.

Normally, this would be an open and shut case, but nothing is as it seems at WCSN Central. The Online Poll had something to add, to the tune of 66.09%! That's right Ladies and Gents, the Blue Genie claimed 2/3 of the whopping 5,297 votes cast for the WCSN Femme Fatale. Jane came in a distant second with an hono(u)rable 32.11, and the numerous other participants battled it out for third place. Oddly enough, it was Frobisher's Harem that officially claimed this position.

With these stunning results, I have no choice but to crown Blue Genie the Official Winner! Her mystery and good looks have enraptured all of us. One is instantly cast under her magical spell after one glance. And, don't forget all of the "bottle rubbing" involved while summoning her. Femme Fatale indeed!

Also, as promised, I would like to hono(u)r the individual who posted the best defense of their chosen candidate. This wasn't easy, but I've come to a clear decision. Out of the hundreds of responses, it was Erin O'Brien who rose to the top with the following:

I went to the Apple computer store once cause I needed to buy a webcam. The apple store guy who was a real my-ass-smells-like-vanilla-ice-cream comes up to me and asks, "Need help?" in a you're-lucky-I'm-even-talking-to-you sort of way and I totally didn't want to deal with him, but hey, I needed that webcam!

I tell him I want a cam and I want it to work just like the one at this one site I visit (this is when Jane had her JaneCam up) and he said go on and show me the site, so I go to a computer in the Apple store and bring up Jane's site and there's this picture of a chick with a HUGE zorch up on Jane's site and I'm like "uh ... I didn't mean to pull that up," and the guy's like rolling his eyes and looking away and shit and the mouse at the computer at the apple store was different from my mouse at home and I couldn't figure out how to work it and close the giant zorch page and I was stuttering and saying "sorry" and shit and the guy was clearing his throat and finally I just said that I had to go.

I went to anther store and bought a cam and sometimes I go on that webcam like I'm so hot shit and chat and shit and people are like, "Erin, she's cool," and I am so loving on that. So I owe a lot to Jane and her giant zorch post and I vote for her.

I love you I love Jane love on yeah,

It's hard to argue with an epic tale that involves intrigue, scandal, mystery and a computer salesman. Erin, you are an example to us all! My beard officially salutes you!

Calling All Viewers...

2006-10-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

Click clack, click clack, click clack.

You can hear her before you can see her. The sound is almost like a warning to the underbelly of London's streets. She steps through the fog and creeps through the smog. As the door of the courtroom slowly creaks open, you catch a glimpse of her leather stilettos, but are blinded from the radiating light. She enters the room. Clad in a French Maid's outfit ... er, wait. Wrong story.

Ladies and Gents, as promised, I would like to announce the two special winners of official WCSN Titles. As you might have guessed, the first lucky viewer to earn her spot in the annals of WCSN history is none other than Lippy, the lipstick lawyer. After the highly controversial Anagram Contest decision, Lippy was the first one to notice an error in the results:

Er Champ, don't take offence babe, but isn't Frobi's entry missing the "C" ???

SCANDAL! The World Champ, caught red handed? What ever happened to "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit?" Not in her courtroom. Lippy is like a ruthless tiger, or a very strong dwarf. Her keen eye and taste for blood have left me no choice but to appoint her as The Official WCSN Legal Representative. In addition to earning a link on the WCSN page, Lippy will be handed over all of my criminal cases involving the presence of my nude form in public. And, of course, she will receive 600 Fighting Points!

And now for the other hono(u)red winner...

We find ourselves listening to the sound of a lone flute. An old man's voice can be heard telling us his story. This is the story of The Legend of the Knight, about a young boy called Beast. His only wish is to be a knight. Along with his best friend Frobisher, they continuously pretend to be Knights, guarding their own Settlement. He also has set his eyes on Anita and wishes to one day marry her. But Great Britain, his island home, is in turmoil. Jungle Jane has made her way across the seas from Ghal and has pillaged and plundered Beast's homeland. The most dangerous of them all is her fearless companion Mr. T, who possesses evil powers of sorcery...

The old man now beckons Beast to kneel and as he places the sword on Beast's left and right shoulder, the voice of the old man is heard once again. While we hear the voice we see the old man hand Beast the sword, and we see now that this old man and this young boy are really one and the same person. With a heavy heart Beast stands alone and watches the old man disappear into the mist.The voice continues and tells of how his life unfolded after that and how his name and all he had done to save his land from evil were whispered to children around a fire on cold wintry nights, passed on from generation to generation. As Beast thrusts the air with his pelvis ... er, sword, the voice fades off.

That's right Ladies and Gents. The hono(u)rable Beast is the other lucky winner of an Official WCSN Title! Due to his relentness and cavalier fashion of "questioning authority" regarding the WCSN Anagram Contest, I officially appoint Beast the WCSN Head of Security. Only a fearless individual would have the nerve to post the following:

... and its got an extra o and a u....err whats the point of an anagram comp if you can use spurious letters(mine had an extra s he he) but extra vowels is an instant disqualification surely.

Quite stunning! Beast has earned a link on the WCSN page, and will oversee all security breeches in my britches. And, of course, he will receive 600 Fighting Points!

As we celebrate these two magnificent figures, let me leave you with a note of warning. If anyone speaks to the World Champ in the manner mentioned above, or dares question his sovereignty, they will be stripped of all clothing and Fighting Points, and be doomed to walk the earth for 100 years. After all, the World Champ is always on top during sex because the World Champ never f*cks up.

Did Someone Mention "Special Announcement?"

2006-10-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's coming! A grand announcement! A fantastic celebration! Two faithful members of the WCSN community will be given Official Titles!

What does it take to earn an Official Title? The keen wit of Beast? The sultry sensuality of Ms. Smack? The broad shoulders and sharp eye of Frobisher? Or is it something else? Something more refined and specialized? Consider the mystique and mystery of Blue Genie, or the supple and soft material assets of First Nations.

Indeed, what does it take? Stay tuned to find out!

In addition to these grand hono(u)rs, the Official Winner of the WCSN Femme Fatale Contest will be announced, and one lucky voter will receive a lion's-share of Fighting Points!

You Be The Judge

2006-10-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

My recent online poll created quite a stir regarding the Top WCSN Femme Fatale. The two overwhelming choices were Jungle Jane and Blue Genie. Due to the huge amount of interest, I have decided to hold a tie-breaker, WCSN Style. Which one of these fair maidens do you think is the True Femme Fatale, and why? Who will win the final hono(u)rs? Fighting Points will be handed out to one of these lovely ladies, and also to the person who provides the best defense for their candidate.

In addition, a Special WCSN Announcement will be made this week, which will garner Official Titles to two members of the WCSN readership!

And The Winner (Finally) Is...

2006-10-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents,

You've waited

You've suffered and toiled

You've strained your innards

You've shocked your monkeys

And now, after weeks of quite contemplation and one-armed push-ups, the World Champ would like to announce the winner of the WCSN ANAGRAM CONTEST!

Leading the pack in the Hono(u)rable Mention category, and believe me, there were many of you, is none other than Lippy! Our fearless femme fatale of the courtroom submitted Exhibit A:

Ew ! Che(w)ed Old Man Pants!

Unfortunately, the World Champ had an objection to her wanton use of the letter "w."

Another royal effort was provided by the Queen's Own, Beast. His Peoples Dream Snatch also lacked a proper position for the ever-elusive "w" and was therefore relegated to a life of servitude for Prince William.

The leader of the tribe, Nations, made a strong showing with Macho, deep,helps nanas. Can anyone follow the trend? The omission of the "w" got her entry shipped down the Trail of Tears.

Humpty D. came sunny-side up with this word scramble: The sane lewd porn champ. It would have been a shoe-in for victory, if not for the missing "l." Instead, his anagram flopped over easy.

Which brings us to the only eligible entries. A strong showing was posted by newcomer, and moustache extraordinaire, Mr. T. His submission of A held clansman threw pop was quite impressive, and poetic. It would have claimed victory, had it not been for the sharp wit and keen eye of Frobisher!

With his head on a swivel, our fearless champion swung for the fences with:

AFRO ENDOWMENT PHALLUSES

Hats off to you, Froby! Your endowed phallus has earned you bragging rights and 700 Fighting Points! Ladies and Gents, I present to you the new WCSN Fighting Points leader!

Remember When ...

2006-10-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

As I was scanning over the long-overdue anagram contest entries, I came across this gem-of-a-comment from Aaron C.

Hey, before you waste any more of your time posting such peurile, baseless and uneducated comments on my blog, and on other peoples' blogs, why don't you just come down here to Florida?!? Save up your money if you have to.

And if you think I'm joking; I'm not. You get yourself down here and we'll step outside. And then I'll show you what it's like!

But until then, mind your own jibberish, loser!

I'm still wondering "what it's like." Nonetheless, if anyone is interested in opening a home business, he certainly seems like a reputable source - especially regarding customer service. However, I must caution you regarding his spelling and grammar efficiency - buyer beware!

And the Winner Is...

2006-10-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. I just returned from being showered with accolades and other miscellaneous feminine fluids, after retaining my title of SI's Man of the Year. Please feel free to congratulate me, once again, while I evaluate the long-overdue contest entries. In the mean time, enjoy "Dave's Long Box".

Intermission

2006-10-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

Before we start another Revolutionary War, I thought that I would enrapture you with my skills and physique, while I finish judging the WCSN Anagram Contest . Feast your eyes (especially you, Ms. Smack)!

God Save the Queen, Already!

2006-10-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

For my newest post, I would like to dedicate a few kilobytes to all of my British supporters. After all, it was your relentless abuse of Mark that eventually drove him out of the blogosphere - and all in defense of my honor ... er ... honour!

In the past, I must admit that I have had some rather strong opinions of the Empire. For example, here, and here. However, as the World Champ, I am not only a pinnacle of strength and a tower of power, but an individual who gives credit when credit is due. Supporters of the Crown, because of your unwavering loyalty, I salute all of you! In celebration of this event, I will be slipping an extra Kg of Fighting Points into your collective boot. And, I would like to announce the recent discovery that the British are indeed the healthiest culture on the planet, besides the World Champ. Ladies and Gents, feast your eyes...

The English are healthier than Americans.

The English?!
The news was met with an audible intercontinental gasp.
The English?! Healthier than Americans?

As a report on National Public Radio put it: A new study in the Journal of the American Medical Association comes to a conclusion that has surprised even the researchers who conducted it. It went on to say that a researcher on the study, Michael Marmot of University College in London, was "astonished" by the results. "It was a bit of a big shock," he was quoted as saying.

One thing about the English is that they have a way of constantly being underestimated. Even the way they talk, with that singsongy accent of theirs that makes them seem so quaint. I used to wonder if the English really talked that way or if they just put that accent on to make themselves seem smarter than everybody else. Something about their overenunciation makes even the dumbest Englishman seem smarter than, say, a Harvard-educated American. (Have you noticed, by the way, how some Ivy Leaguers take on the faintest lilt of an English accent?) But I have come to believe that the English really do talk like that. How else do you explain their achievements? Shakespeare? A onetime global empire? Their ability to win World War II (granted, America helped - a lot)? Still, when people think of fierce warriors, they think of the Vikings or of barbarians. Big guys. Marauding types. Their imaginations don't turn to, well, the English.

Clearly, then, the English are smarter than Americans. And one thing they figured out is that hanging out playing electric guitar is more healthful than going to the gym.

The inescapable conclusion, then, is that hanging out and drinking is healthier than diet and exercise.

Coming Soon: "God Save the Queen!"

2006-09-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

Blog on the Brink

2006-09-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Hello loyal friends,

Much to my chagrin, it seems as if I have been the target of censorship by the Powers That Be due to some of my blogging activity in the recent past. An Unnamed Gentleman apparently "Flagged" my site, which not only blocked out the majority of my blog content for a period of time, but brought about a permanent and forced removal of some material. Evidently it is alright for certain individuals to disparage the World Champ, and use a number of lewd and judgmental terms. But, the World Champ is not granted the right to post commentary - void of all banal and objectionable language - in reply. Not only has my creative control been violated, but my faith in the Blogger system has been called into question. I do not know if I can continue working in a system that frowns upon free expression and suppresses diversity.

However, as your beloved World Champ, I look to you for solace. What are your thoughts and opinions about this recent outrage? Ladies and Gentlemen, I am listening!

The People Have Spoken!

2006-09-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents, the results are in! After a grueling couple of days, the WCSN pollsters have tallied a record-setting 336 votes to reveal the winner of the WCSN People's Choice Anagram Award.

Coming in at 3rd place, and receiving 19.05% overall share, is Frobisher. While overseeing his mighty harem, he managed to find the time to grace us with the following: AFRO ENDOWMENT PHALLUSES

Second place honors go to the newcomer Mr. T, who has a jawline like a Greek God. He received 26.49% of all votes with a number of stellar entries, including: A HELD CLANSMAN THREW POP

And now for the Imperial Wizard...

Taking in a huge 30.95% is none other than...

BEAST!

Ladies and gents, bask in the warming glow of the following: PEOPLES DREAM SNATCH

Hats off to you, Beast. Not only do you receive 400 Fighting Points, but you maintain WCSN bragging rights. You are a man among men. I salute you!

Be sure to stay tuned for a review of the Anagram entries, and the announcement of the WCSN Grand Champion!

Bulletproof Munch

2006-09-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

On August 22, 2004, Norwegian police announced that two iconic paintings were stolen from the Munch Museum, including "The Scream." As the story goes, two masked thieves pulled the works off the wall as stunned visitors witnessed the shocking event. One robber threatened staff with a gun before the pair escaped in a waiting car, a museum officer told the BBC. The car was later recovered and police also found parts of picture frames near to where a witness reported seeing a suspect vehicle. The Munch Museum said the two stolen paintings were among its most valuable - worth an estimated $19m (Â£10.4m) together.

HOW THE SCREAM WAS STOLEN
1. Two masked men enter through the museum cafe
2. One man holds staff and visitors at gunpoint
3. The other man goes to the gallery and tears the Scream and Madonna from the walls
4. The two men make their escape, fleeing in a black Audi

Norwegian Culture Minister Valgerd Svarstad Haugland described the theft as "dreadful and shocking".

THE DEMANDS
The Norwegian government received a demand for a ransom of $1m, but never got proof that those demanding the money had the painting. An anti-abortion group claimed it could get the painting returned if an anti-abortion film was broadcast on television. Police dismissed that claim.

THE RESULT
On August 31, 2006, Norwegian police announced that the two paintings had been recovered, and were in better-than-expected condition with only a minor scratch and two minor holes. "We are 100 percent certain they are the originals," police chief Iver Stensrud told a news conference. "The damage was much less than feared."
It was later announced that both of the recently recovered paintings will be put on public display before repairs are made. "The Scream" has water damages on the lower left corner, while "Madonna" suffered several tears on the right side of the painting, and has two holes in Madonna's arm.

WCSN COMMENTARY
As we all know, the entire world was shocked and terrified at the boldness of this entire event. However, no one seemed ready to offer commentary regarding this huge blow to the Art world. As a global hero, I am relieved that no one was hurt in this grand scheme of cultural genocide. However, the real tragedy lies in the fact that "The Scream" was recovered. After years of being force-fed on this particular work, I for one was glad to see it whisked away into oblivion. Unlike the members of INTERPOL, I thought the thieves were doing society a favor by relieving us from this overused lowbrow painting. I was able to toast the fact that it would never resurface again, thus forcing the Western world to focus on REAL Expressionist or Symbolist artists. After all, what else did Munch bring to the table? Other than countless "Scream" blow-up dolls and Halloween costumes, his legacy lies in a series of B-Level horror films and Macaulay Culkin's famed "Home Alone" routine. If only these thieves would have used an intermediary with more savvy, who could have assured top dollar, and safely guaranteed the absence of these works from society forever.

The WCSN Anemic Cinema

2006-09-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents, sharpen your pencils because it's time for the newest WCSN Challenge. This one's no slouch. 700 Fighting Points will be awarded to the individual who completes the best anagram using any or all of my honored moniker: World Champ Stephen Neal.

For all of the Canadians out there, an anagram is a new word (or words) formed by rearranging the letters of an original word. For instance, parliament = partial men, Clint Eastwood = Old West Action.

As always, there will be a secondary prize given to the "People's Choice," as indicated in the poll on the right. So, put on your thinking caps and fasten your bonnets. And remember, flattery will get you everywhere.

Coming Soon:

2006-09-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

As a token of my gratitude for the faithfulness of my readership during my absence, I am asking YOU what you would rather see in the near future on WCSN Information Central: A treatise on my disrespect for Canada, or a New WCSN Word Challenge!

Ladies and Gentlemen, your humble servant is listening!

Clash of the Titans

2006-09-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are fans of the odd tussle, it looks like 2006 will not disappoint. Throughout the past decade, we've witnessed some of the most stimulating of match-ups, including Britney Spears vs. Christina Aguilera, Vince Neil vs. Axl Rose, the United States vs. The Third World, and Rosie "Six Pack" O'Donnell vs. Civilization. However, this is all mere childsplay compared to the epic battle that has just appeared on the horizon: Tomkat vs. The Only Baldwin.

According to top sources, Stephen Baldwin has a message for Tom Cruise: Let's do lunch, with a little scripture on the side.

"On the Hollywood list of people I pray for often, Tom Cruise is probably No. 1," the born-again "Bio-Dome" D-lister tells Radar. "All I have to say to Tom is, God bless ya, I hope you're having fun. But I'd love through Radar magazine to throw a gauntlet down to Mr. Cruise. I'd love to break bread with him and pray with him, and I'd love for the Holy Spirit of God to reveal the truth to him. That would be an awesome thing." Baldwin, who describes himself as one of the "new breed of Christians" who "are gettin' ready to kick ass in the name of the Kingdom," then beseeches, "Seriously though, can you put us together? Can we get a little sushi together? I'd like to give him a spicy Jesus roll."

Ladies and Gentlemen, this could prove to be a battle that finally settles the age old question: Can Lord Xenu gather his intergalactic forces and overthrow a member of the most powerful band-of-brothers on the globe? Or better yet, is Scientology the one true religion, or simply an outlet through which Hollywood icons can launder their millions while reaping tax benefits? Let's take a closer look at these two warriors and let the numbers speak for themselves with The WCSN Tale of the Tape.

Stephen "Lights Out" Baldwin

Age: 40
Height: 6'2
Weight: 204
Reach: 32"

Career Highs:
One Tough Cop

Tom "The Bayonne Bleeder" Cruise

Age: Timeless
Height: 4'11
Weight: 89
Reach: Infinite, due to his OT7 Superpowers

Career Highs:
Interview with Matt Lauer
Interview with Oprah
Fooling the public regarding his role in sireing "Suri"

As this epic battle continues to build, we will no doubt be witness to history in the making. Who will come out on top? Will Stephen be disqualified for wearing too much hair-oil? Will Maverick recruit Goose as his cutman? Whose cuisine will reign supreme?

A Triumphant Return! (and a beard trim)

2006-09-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

I am the very model of a modern Champ-in-general
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Champ-in-general

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Champ-in-general

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy
You'll say a better Champ-in-general had never sat a gee

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Champ-in-general

2006-07-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

You think you can catch the World Champ? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting fingered and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything, it will be to get rid of Fingers. After that, my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

And like that, he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. "Rat on your pop, and Stephen Neal will get you." And no-one ever really believes.

Sacul always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Stephen Neal.

Who is Stephen Neal? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Beast tell it, anybody could have worked for Neal. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And poof. Just like that ... he's gone.

Amazing Acronyms!

2006-07-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, after hours of deliberation, I am pleased to announce the winners of the Acronym Challenge. Winning the Peoples Choice Award, 756 votes later, with a 23% margin of victory is none other than Jungle Jane! Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes on this:

Spock
Embodies
X-Factor
Yet
Kirk
Is
Really
King

Congratulations, Jane. You are truly ahead of your time, and an example of excellence to us all.

As for the Grand Champion, I had a tough time picking the finalist. Beast made a strong showing by throwing in the word "Staccato." The imagery was almost more than I could handle. Likewise, Mushroom created a high standard for the letter "X" by throwing in "Xenogamous." Karina attempted to throw in a poetic version, but her use of Portuguese violated the WCSN bylaws for semantic usage. Blue Genie also created a tasty poem, but sidestepped the letter "X" by inserting a hyphenated play on words. The main contender, Exist, really came strong - putting everybody to shame with his design. If presentation was a factor, he would have put an end to everyone. Unfortunately, I didn't have a dictionary handy, and his creation read like a French pulp-novel. Thus, after countless hours of thought, I am pleased to announce the Grand Champion of the Acronym Contest: Anita!

See his
Enterprise
X-rated
Yard-long lady-pleaser.

Killing
Intoxicating
Raunchy
KIRK!

This acronym really embodies everything Kirk. Plus, the use of "Yard-long lady-pleaser" was both shocking and courageous. Anita, I salute you!

Wrapping Things Up: The Kirk

2006-07-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been patiently waiting through the onslaught of foreign exchange, please see my final comment on the previous post. But I digress - Onward and Upward ... with KIRK!

For the topic of our final installation, I think the Pointer Sisters said it best:

What your body's sayin' to mine
I'm tired of fast moves
I've got a slow groove...
On my mind

I want a man with a slow hand

But is this really appealing? Ladies, is this REALLY what you're looking for? In this final installment on the Sexual Appeal of The Kirk, I would argue that a "slow hand" isn't really what the women of the galaxy desire. On the contrary, they are looking for a man of action. A man capable of manning the helm of a star ship. A man who stares into the collective face of the Klingon Empire and scoffs. A man who knows what he wants, and won't take no for an answer. In short (figuratively speaking, of course), Captain James T. Kirk.

There are countless examples of The Captain "taking charge of a situation" with the ladies of the Universe. The female crewmembers of the Enterprise were simply not interesting enough - not challenging enough. The Kirk always had a new Yeoman working her way up the Federation ranks from week to week, but this offered little resistance. The Captain loves a challenge, and loves a good fight. A slow hand? Hardly!

As the Five Year Mission continues on, The Kirk begins developing new tactics. Yeoman Smith was one of the first to see the forceful Kirk in action. Remember when she attempted to walk by his Captain's Chair on the vacated Bridge? "Not so fast, my dear." A commercial break was soon to follow.

However, this was just the beginning. As the Enterprise speeds off into deep space, he becomes more and more aggressive. Evidently, his inhibitions relaxed with each mile between he and the Federation. The tryst with Yeoman Smith pales in comparison with what was to come.

The Kirk no longer hides behind the veil of protocol and honor, but begins taking his spoils at will. This leaves a wake of destruction across the galaxy. His wanton hunger flies in the face of all bystanders, whether friend or foe. "What are you all looking at? Go! Stay! Whatever! Just get out of my way!"

His "chance encounters" with alien women only feed his forcefulness, and the ladies can't get enough. Could this be one of the keys to his success? Or is it his downfall? As the tension builds, The Captain lowers, nay, loses any standards.

Soon, the Captain emerges as a force unto himself, with a seemingly unquenchable "warp drive." "Android or not, just where do you think YOU'RE going?"

Soon, James begins to create scenarios aboard the ship, with the help of his First Officer. Not by coincidence, the "Red Alert" always comes about at the most opportune times. "You better stay close. Now get over here."

Even special guests were not beyond his scope of consumption. Take, for example, the time when the Enterprise hosted a meeting of Galactic leaders and officials. Were any females safe? "Well, it takes a powerful man to push all of these buttons. How about having a seat?"

Toward the end of his Reign of Terror, Kirk becomes increasingly aggressive, and almost abusive. "I don't think you heard me."

Yet, in the end, the ladies always seem to collapse in his arms. "Don't fight the feeling."

Once he had them frozen with terror, the Captain often took advantage of the situation. Just look at the fear in her eyes! "Ever tried something like this before?"

Finally, completely out of hand and spiraling into self-destruction, James simply cannot take it anymore. He can't even face his most trusted officers. "Quick, Bones! Don't look at us." Indeed, the strong appeal of Kirk was also his biggest downfall. However, in the end he had no regrets. Would you?

WCSN COMPETITION ALERT!

Ladies and Gents, I hope you have enjoyed this journey into the inner-workings of the sexual appeal of James T. Kirk. To celebrate the conclusion of this series, I am offering a prize of 500 Fighting Points to the viewer who can create the most outstanding acronymn for the phrase SEXY KIRK. As always, there will be a consolation prize offered to the Peoples Choice Winner, through the poll on the right. I await your expertise and creativity, and look forward to saluting the Champion.

WCSN OUT.

WCSN Question of the Day

2006-07-05T13:43:00.001-07:00

Which is more appealing to you, and why? Which resembles yourself more? Which would win in a fight to the death?

The Dramatic Conclusion

2006-07-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion of The Physical Prowess of Kirk: Kirk and the Pointer Sister's.

A Post for the Most

2006-07-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

Greetings friends from around the globe. I trust that everyone had an enjoyable weekend. I was bust jet-setting around the U.S. nation, fulfilling my many obligations for the holiday weekend. I hope to have photos up soon. A special thanks to all who came out to support your World Champ. Your kindness won't go unnoticed ... neither will your absence, Anita (-100 fp).

Because the participation to the Haiku contest was overwhelming, I've decided to dedicate this post not only to announce the winners, but respond to your various comments. Thus, without further ado, I give you "the response."

First, let me congratulate Natemare for earning the new title of Grand Puba with his skillfully constructed Haiku. He was the People's choice, beating out The Red Baron by the slim margin of .13%. Thanks to all of the 778 viewers who voted. Please consume the following:

The Champ of the World
Stephen Neal is his true name
He has a Kirk thing

Champ, I believe I know what that picture depicts. It is the death of General James Wolfe in the French and Indian War/Battle of Quebec. HA! I know my North American history...

Natemare made everyone look bad by gobbling up the People's vote, as well as the Bonus question. The pool of fighting points has shifted dramatically!

And now, the World Champ's Haiku choice ...

It was tough. I was immediately drawn in by Jungle Jane. She deserves something for being the first. Mountjoy might earn something for quantity, but would lose it all for "ability to follow instructions." The minxy Karina will be hard to beat. Flattery will get you everywhere. Beast and anonymous also posted great quality. But, come on, folks. Gaze into my beard. Who wouldn't wish to brush up against it?

Karina, you have stolen the points with your intriguing entry:

I love the World Champ
I would like to kiss his face
Wiskers on my lips

Well done to all. I would like to toss out a few extra points, but remember: they are like heroin - only the first batch is free.

Before concluding my outstanding commentary on Kirk, I'd like to take the remainder of this post to address any remaining comments. Keep your eyes peeled for a new contest shortly.

The Champ Speaks.
Nations, I never did get rid of that rash. However, I have managed to pass it around to a few adoring fans.

Paulo, Agradece para o complemento. SÃ£o meu maior ventilador.

Lippy, nice work on the ID. I see that you are a woman of great taste (hence, you have tracked ME down). If you give me a better effort in the future, I may just pass along the "Death Grip" for your pleasure.

To the British, I have washed my hands of the Baron thus far, but I feel that you should take better care of your business.

Beast, I see that you also have a way with the ladies. Be sure to keep us abreast (heh, heh) with Maria.

Jewel, I like what you have to say, but the Haiku didn't follow the 5-7-5. But, you still hold a special place within my beard.

Anita, for posting such a forceful Haiku, I was expecting more from you this weekend. I searched high and low in the ATL, but couldn't find your vacated seat anywhere... However, I do like the fiestiness. You may have your points back.

Lauren, I also had a great time - and the pleasure was all mine. I'll never forget our little mishap after the Gala. NYC will always bring a smile to my face.

Queen, the World Champ doesn't need sunglasses. The sun needs World Champ glasses.

Fernandito, if you impersonate me again, there will be hell to pay. I'll find you and steal your virtue.

The gorilla sees all...

Happy Holidays, or Condolences!

2006-06-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it's hard to believe it's that time of year again. The 4th of July is nearly upon us, and as the reigning World Champ, I must make my annual appearances throughout the American nation, in celebration of our independence (No offence Brits ... or ... well ... maybe a little offence). This year's agenda includes the following:

Saturday, July 1 - I will be serving as the Master of Ceremonies for the Independence Day Celebration in Iowa City, Iowa - the Wrestling Capital of the World. This has been a regular venue of mine since the mid-90's. I will be the chairman for the beauty contest, as well as a participant in the corn-eating extravaganza. The event will conclude with a reenactment of "Paul Revere's Ride," where I will play my traditional role of Dr. Samuel Prescott of the "Son's of Liberty."

Sunday, July 2 - I can be seen in the Macy's Independence Day Parade in New York City. I will be appearing on the "Bodies of America" float, clad (as usual) in my stars & stripes lycra suit. Be sure to tune in on NBC. Following the parade, I will be attending a ballroom gala on the 7th floor of Rockefeller Center, where a sub-committee has been organized to honor me.

Monday, July 3 - I will be attending the groundbreaking of the new Peachtree Monument in Atlanta, Georgia. Wearing "Old Glory," you can witness me taking the first scoop of earth from this future site, if you happen to be in the area. Anita, I will expect to see you there. After the groundbreaking, I will be presented with a Key to the City by Mayor Franklin.

Tuesday, July 4 - I will be traveling to Columbus, Ohio for the annual Red, White & Boom Fireworks display - the finest in the country. I have been given the honor of lighting the first fuse for this grand show of American power and know-how. Be sure to look for the photograph of WCSN holding his enormous wick in the Columbus Dispatch.

All viewers of the WCSN site are welcome at any and all venues. Behind-the-scenes passes will be granted upon request.

CHALLENGE ALERT!

As I may be a bit tied up with my fans over the weekend, I leave you with a new competition. I present to you the WCSN Haiku contest!

The winner will receive 500 Fighting Points by composing a haiku that includes my complete title and name.

Remember, 5-7-5.

SPECIAL BONUS OPPORTUNITY!

For those of you who are lagging behind in the point-tally, I'm offering you a chance to make up ground. The first viewer who can tell me what is taking place in the scene below will not only receive a nice stash of Fighting Points, but will also avoid my patented "WC Full Nelson Deathlock" for your current lack of effort in the overall standings.

Get it on!

Kirk and His Women, Part 2

2006-06-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

Alright. Back to business. When we left off with James T., the question was brought up as to why the ladies never seem to stick around. We have already established the fact that his "phaser" is in full working order, and that he is a master of his weapon. Nevertheless, he appears to be a "one trick pony" with the girls, who always insist on leaving (or killing themselves) after the chance encounter. The World Champ has a few ideas about why this may be the case, and they will serve as our topic today.

1. The Kirk is a "freak."

Evidence points to the fact the Kirk loves the fetish scene, and virtually knows no limits. Jimmy T. thirsts for the exotic. The Captain is not easily satisfied with regular old relations. He thrives on adventure, power and Romulan Ale. It should come as no surprise that this holds true in his "quarters" as well.

"What's new pussycat, indeed!"

"Just wear the wig this one time. Now call me Pharaoh. Call me Pharaoh!"

"OK, OK. Right There. Wait for it... Wait for it..."

"And so, Pocahontas, the Great White Chief has now taken you for his own."

Yet in all of his Tom-Foolery, could it be that his love of the exotic seemingly drives the women away? After all, unconventional love can only go so far...

2. Although Kirk can cast his love-spell upon Earth women and low-class aliens, there does seem to be an Achilles Heel - Powerful Aliens.

We have seen The Captain run through a few mediocre alien beings, but what about the truly advanced species' in the universe? I would suggest that the Kirk has a dirty little secret - he simply does not have the stamina for the ladies of the higher order within the galaxy.

An exhausted Kirk after a chance encounter with a Romulan Commander.

"It's alright sweetie. I'm sure it happens to everyone. Ehhhh ... You know Captain, it turns out that I have to be somewhere later on tonight."

"You've become much known among our people. Away from my presence at once."

The Commander of a Starship could never let word get out of his "shortcomings." Thus, these women of strength and power often find themselves in great peril after the Kirk Patrol rolls through town. Could it be that out of shame, Kirk has them "knocked off?" Is it simply a way to save face and keep his reputation intact? We may never truly know.

3. One final thought relates to both of the aforementioned ideas. Is Kirk simply too kinky?

A man driven by power and wonderlust, who thrives on the exotic and uses pain - nay, even death, to meet his fanatical needs surely would scare off any future relational prospects. And this just might be the case. Maybe the problem is not with the Kirk - could it be that his tastes are simply too much for the collective feminindom of the galaxy?

"Surprise! Ever seen one of these?"

"What do you mean "closed-circuit television?' What do you take me for? A wreckless Captain who attempts to amuse his crew with private videos? (wink-wink)"

"It's roll-play! Just smile for the camera. You're really pretty..."

"Wait! I never said I was into it!"

Coming Soon: We'll finish up our three-part series on the sexual prowess of Captain Kirk by comparing his relational style with the world-famous Pointer Sister's.

A People's Movement

2006-06-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen around the universe, the World Champ is starting a grass-roots movement against Word Verification. From now on, I will be pasting the string of letters I have been forced to provide at the bottom of every verified comment. If you stand with me, I encourage you to take up the cause and mobilize!

WCSN Out.

WCSN Listing of Grievances

2006-06-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

As you all know, the World Champ is quite the diplomat when it comes to the People. This said, anyone with Official Grievances may present them to me at any time, and they will be properly addressed. However, before moving onto my next post, I need to voice a grievance of my own. I officially hate all bloggers who use Word Verification.

Have any of you been on a roll with your comments, only to be stifled by that pesky "Type the characters you see in the picture above" nonsense? Then the following occurs:

-jhrtedye

-try again

-sfredgtyyrte

-try again

-lgythersdr

-try again

Ahh, fiddlesticks. I'll just go back to admiring my own reflection in the mirror.

CAN ANYONE GIVE ME A REASONABLE EXPLANATION WHY THIS IS ALL NECESSARY?

157 Fighting Points will be awarded to the first successful contestant.

WCSN Salute to Magicians

2006-06-27T05:40:00.000-07:00

As a World Champ magician, people often ask me who the greatest conjurer of all time is. The obvious answer is "Me." However, every now and then I need to salute the other illusionists from around the globe. Although our kind are numerous, there is one stand-out (other than myself) who has pulled off the ultimate magic trick. "Who might this be?" you ask. "Whose magic will reign supreme?"

Is it the honorable and mysterious David Blaine? Above anything else Blaine does, his levitation is the most sought after triumph of illusion. Ironically, Blaine used a combination of techniques to rivet and amaze onlookers in his street specials. One is a crude technique called the Balducci levitation. Just search the internet and you can find the simple secret on hundreds of two-bit exposure sites put up by 12 year old kids and the help of Geocities free web service. Even the Amazing Randi now provides a link to an exposure site, sadly buckling under the pressure from his readers to tell them how Blaine's levitation is performed.

The second levitation David Blaine performed on the Street Magic Special was one where he was seen to float two feet off the ground briefly. No one will be doing this unless they have several thousand dollars - forget it. The levitations that come closest to it are probably the "Elevator" and the "King Rising" Levitation. The Elevator is difficult to master and is about $100. King Rising Levitation takes practice but only runs about 20 bucks. An advantage of King Rising is that it involves no gimmicks or secret props... the levitation is entirely impromptu and can be done at a moment's notice. Grandmothers have been known to lose their dentures while watching this.

BEST TRICK: So, does this make Blaine the greatest ever? Have we all been shocked and awed by his magical talent? Other than levitating, Blaine has been rumored to date some of the hottest names in the business: Fiona Apple, Madonna, and Josie Maran just to name a few. But his best trick of all is the fact that he, a friggin' street magician, made 6 Million Dollars last year.

What about Harry Houdini? This world famous escape artist was small, standing a mere 5'5", with dark wavy hair, dark gray eyes and a high pitched voice. Most remember him for his amazing "watch me get out of this box" routines. However, in my opinion, his greatest trick took place not on stage, but behind closed doors.

BEST TRICK: Houdini allowed his brother Leopold, New York's first X-Ray specialist, to X-Ray him frequently. Most likely this caused sterilization. Ala-Kazaam! Poof!

Oversize stage illusions, larger-than-life sets, flouncy colorful costumes, in-your-face music and endangered white tigers. For thirty years, magicians Siegfried and Roy, also commonly known as "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," have been two crazy idiots by anyone's standards, synonymous with outrageous Las Vegas ticket prices (over $100.00 for a single ticket to their show at the Mirage), and a model of eccentric behavior rivaled only by that of Elton John.

For two seemingly gay men, these Meisters of Illusion sure have a lot of tail around the house. This magical beast-loving duo shares a litter of endangered white lions and tigers. They have names like Pride, Joy, Passion, Destiny and Vision - and all of them have all slept in Roy's bed.

"Women and tigers are exactly alike," snurked Roy during an Esquire interview. "They have the same temperament, emotions, and vulnerabilities. They must be spoken to softly, but it doesn't hurt to carry a big stick just in case. You can teach a tiger to use the toilet."

BEST TRICK: After thirty years of frolicking like overgrown toddlers with their enormous pets, one of the cats finally struck back. On October 3, 2003 - Roy's 59th birthday - in front of a packed audience, a nine-year-old white lion named Montecore lunged at Roy's throat. This was the cat's first time on stage. Momentarily stunned, Roy attempted to beat the tiger off with a microphone. Despite reports to the contrary, Siegfried said that the tiger did not maul his partner during the show. Instead, Fischbacher said on CNN's "Larry King Live," Montecore attempted to help his trainer offstage after Horn fell down. The tiger put its jaws around Horn's neck to lift him as a mother cat does with her cubs, Fischbacher said in the interview, his first since the accident.

Other brilliant thoughts from Siegfried:

"Sleeping with lions and tigers means you don't need many pillows."

"All good things come with responsibility and also with fear of responsibility. That fear puts you in handcuffs. Those are the most important handcuffs I ever escaped from."

We may all agree that these Masters of Magic each have their own claim to fame. But who is the ultimate? For me, this is an easy question. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you David Copperfield!

Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! ...
Stephen Neal no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo ...
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my arse-oh...

BEST TRICK: Ugly sorcerer David Copperfield can make the Statue of Liberty and an airplane disappear in front of a live crowd. That being said, his biggest trick to date is landing Claudia Schiffer. With his looks (and creepy gaze), he has to be a heck of a magician to have pulled this one off.

And The Results Are In...

2006-06-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents, 166 votes later, a winner has emerged from the pack. Winning by a slim margin of less than 1%, BEAST is our Photo Caption Contest Champion! Congratulations Beast, you are number one in our hearts, and may consider yourself a World Champ in the category of Photo Captioning.

Without further ado, I give you the winner:

"Hmmmm... have this one with the beard scrubbed and sent to my room."

The Wrath of Champ

2006-06-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

While we await the results of the Caption Contest (see below), I thought I might direct your attention to other matters in cyber-space. The Fencing Club at Simon Fraser University decided to take a run at the World Champ. However, as we all expected, I was able to run them through with my rapier. As the current World Champ, it should go without saying that I hold a title in Political Science. These right-wing fellows found out the hard way. They ended up dedicating entire posts to the Champ, and eventually were forced to turn off all comment options, as I was beating them about the head and neck. Finally, these fellows allowed me to post my victory. If you happen to visit this epic battlefield, please express your support for the World Champ.

Coming Soon: The Caption Contest Results, WCSN Salute to Magicians, More Kirk...

WCSN Caption Contest

2006-06-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

Although this image has been stolen from Exist, I make no apologies. Post your caption for this photo, and let the people decide who the true Champ is. Each contestant will have their name listed on the Weekly Poll, and the united voting proletariat will decide who has the sharpest mind (or whatever else you believe is sharp on your person).

For Those Who Played the Beast Challenge...

2006-06-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to all who successfully delivered Beast from the overbearing workplace. You can all breathe a sigh of relief, as the cymbals are gone forever. Now, back to Captain Kirk.

Beast is trying to escape from his office in the icy halls of Scotland Yard. Can you lead him to freedom and an afternoon at the beach with Mushroom and Jungle Jane? Or will he be stuck filing paperwork all night for the Finger? After this work-out, his pants are sure to fasten up all the way.

2006-06-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Stephen Neal's girlfriend couldn't get some water to boil on their stove. So Stephen walked over and simply placed a piece of hair from his beard in the water and it immediately began to bubble. After seeing this his lady thanked him. He then kicked the boiling pot of water onto his girlfriend's face, reminding her never to speak directly to the face of Stephen Neal again.

The Real History of the Universe, or Why I Hate Scientology.

2006-06-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

75 million years ago there was a ruler of this part of the galaxy named Xenu. To cure overpopulation on all the planets he controlled, he had most of the people called in for an income tax audit. But this was much more than a tax audit! Fooled by their leader, the helpless beings were instead paralyzed by an injection of alcohol and glycol into their lungs. Then they were packed up in refrigerated units and loaded onto a fleet of DC-8 space-crafts and taken to Earth (called Teegeeack then) and packed around the bases of a few volcanoes.

But it doesn't end there. The clever Xenu dropped some nukes into the volcanoes, blowing all of the frozen beings to kingdom come. After this, the ghosts of the now-dead "thetans" who were flying around in the winds were caught in electronic beams and frozen (again) together in blocks. They were taken to huge 3-D cinemas (without any popcorn) and shown films of what life should be like on Earth. Next, they clustered together with a "head thetan in charge" and ended up attaching themselves to human bodies. Hence, we supposedly have about 2,500 "body thetans" attached to our own thetan self. And high ranking super-scientologists at OT levels III through VII go through the process of freeing themselves from these body thetans at a huge expense.

Below, OT-VI Super Thetan John Travolta undergoes "auditing," in order to "clear" himself from these pesky thetans.

Yes, unfortunately this is a real "auditing" machine.

I Hate George Takei

2006-06-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

While I was looking for an image of "Sulu" for the previous post, I came across something that was quite disturbing. In every photo of George Takei, he is giving the Vulcan hand-greeting "live long and prosper."

"Sulu" never did this on the television series, or any of the 27 Star Trek feature films that followed. He was not a Vulcan. He didn't fly on a Vulcan ship. He didn't have a Vulcan boyfriend (that we know of). Why is he trying to pimp on Spock's claim to fame? I can't respect it. Takei is officially on the Champ's list, along with the Canadians, the French and Defiant Munch.

A Secret on the Bridge

2006-06-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

Last year, Star Trek veteran George Takei, also lovingly known as
"Sulu," came clean to the world and admitted he was gay.

Really? We never would have guessed.

Let's Make a Deal

2006-06-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

If you are British, don't click here, or here.

If you are a scientologist, don't click here, or here.

If you love soccer, don't click here, here, or here.

If you are against nuclear proliferation, don't click here.

If you are a feminist, don't click here.

If you support Bush's "War on Terror," don't click here, here, or here.

If you are a member of the Nation of Islam, don't click here.

2006-06-21T13:02:00.001-07:00

Stephen Neal's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries.

Kirk and his Phaser

2006-06-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

In response to a recent post, one sharp-minded viewer asked the following:

I am slightly dubious about the Capn , beneath that sex god persona is there a dark secret , the capn has no problem attracting the ladies , but none of them seem to stick around after he has shown them his etchings (the ones that dont go homicidal that is).
Is Kirks 'phaser' not exactly set to stun ???
Is his 'warp drive' only firing on one cylinder ???
Are his 'thrusters' mis aligned ???

Questions , questions , questions!

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's begin our in-depth series on Captain Kirk by looking at why his many ladies around the Federation always seem to "hit it and quit it."

1. Is his "phaser not set to stun?"

This is a good question. Many throughout the globe have often wondered about the virility of the Captain. However, there is substantial evidence that points to the negative.

Who could forget when Kirk had a chance encounter with youthful Miri, who fondly called him "Mr. Lovey Dovey?" This unforgettable scene sums it all up. "Ever seen one of these?"

I think we all can see that he's rather masterful with his weapon here. Up to his old tricks again, The Kirk tries out his material on the mysterious Dr. Elizabeth Dehner. The moment of culmination was when The Kirk dropped the phrase "You don't know what it's like to almost be a god." Farewell, good Doctor. She was putty in his hands, even if he was later forced to destroy her.

Always confident, Kirk was never shy about letting the ladies know how he "measures up" to the competition. Yes, I think it would suffice to say that Kirk's gear is in working order. But this doesn't answer all of our questions. Why don't the ladies ever stick around? Is a chance encounter simply too much? Or is there more to this man of mystery?

An unsuspecting alien woman receives a blast from Kirk's phaser.

Next time we'll explore one possible turn-off: The Forceful Kirk.

You Did WHAT?

2006-06-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

Because I have my finger on the pulse of Popular Culture, my sources recently revealed some shocking Hollywood news: There is a rumor circulating that "singer" Ashlee Simpson had plastic surgery! When first asked about the procedure, Simpson ambiguously denied any foul-play. "Everybody's already saying it, so I just don't talk about it."

But soon after, she shocked the Hollywood scene by revealing the truth: The rumor was true! She DID undergo surgery! Needless to say, the world media was shocked.

Following her surprising revelation, Simpson said "Everyone is made differently, and that’s what makes us beautiful and unique. I want girls to look in the mirror and feel confident." Wait ... my mistake. This is a quote from BEFORE her transformation into Sara Michelle Gellar. Let's try another. "I felt like my nose was big. I was always like I am going to get a nose job one day. And I am so glad I didn't." No ... that one doesn't fit either. How about this: "I personally think that I've grown into my nose. I think it has character." Hmmmmm ... Lets try one more. "I feel more confident than ever with the rest of my life. I am really happy with who I am." OK ... Could that be the one?

She's not as hot as her sister, but she's just as dumb. But, at least Jessica's not having her concert tickets given away for free because Ticketmaster can't sell them. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ashlee 2.0

Yes, Tara Reid, you totally had us fooled, too.

And The Winner Is...

2006-06-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to announce the winner of the People's Choice Posting: The Sex Appeal of Kirk! The response was overwhelming, and I am both honored and humbled by your participation. Soon we will jet off to the final frontier and explore the inner workings of the man, the myth and the legend: The Kirk.

And all of his ladies.

World Champ Out.

Enquiring Minds Want To Know.

2006-06-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen from across this great globe, I salute you. As the World Champ, it is my duty, nay, my pleasure to serve you in whatever necessary capacity. Thus, I am putting it into your hands as to which direction my next post should go. As previously mentioned, I have intended to conduct an expose on the "Sex Appeal of the Kirk." However, other members of the united viewership have asked for me to defend my position on "Why I Hate Canadians." Thus, Ladies and Gentlemen, I look to you for the answer. Which will it be? Enquiring minds want to know.

Star Trek: The Original Series is the Best Show Ever Created, Part 2.

2006-06-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

As my first mention of this groundbreaking series sparked a great amount of interest, I will be dedicating some future posts to an in-depth look at what makes Star Trek: The Original Series so darn fantastic. Keep your eyes peeled for an examination regarding the sex appeal of Kirk, and his many ladies across the galaxy.

A Champion of Controversy

2006-06-17T05:17:00.000-07:00

Although I am the current undisputed World Champ, every now and then I like to revisit the various Champions of the past. The list is short and distinguished, much like my beard. Today I would like to pay my respects to Kid Dynamite, "Iron" Mike Tyson, and take an in-depth look at his life today.

The reputation of Iron Mike has taken a beating as of late, but I will always stand behind the opinion that he is the best boxer to ever lace up a glove. His reign of terror lasted for 50 matches, 44 of which were won by knockout. His left hook was legendary, and his jaw was made of stone. However, his real downfall did not come within the ring. Just like Captain James T. Kirk, Tyson loved the ladies.

Some of you may remember his rocky relationship with Robin Givens, the acting virtuoso who starred in such smash hits as "Blankman," and "A Rage in Harlem." You may also remember her unforgettable guest appearances on such smash television shows as "The Love Boat: The Next Wave," and "Moesha." However, the REAL breaking point for Tyson's Reign of Terror struck on the fateful evening of July 19, at the Miss Black America Beauty Pageant.

What really happened, according to Tyson's lawyer, was that at the hotel Tyson and one of the Pageant contestants "talked and engaged in foreplay and in consensual sex. But then she gets offended. ... He rolls over and wants to get some sleep. Suddenly she realizes she has been treated like a one-night stand and her dignity is offended. ... She becomes embarrassed and humiliated by her own conduct."

Hey, the Champ just wants a little shut eye. Is that too much to ask? What really happened on that fateful night may never be known. However, it has always been my stance that you do not go up to the Champ's hotel room in the middle of the night without one thing in mind.

But what is this legend of the ring doing today? Interestingly enough, Iron Mike may have decided to "take his lemons and make lemonade," so to say. Rumor has it that the Champ is reportedly set to star in an adult film - with Jenna Jameson. The former boxing World Heavyweight Champion claims he is desperate for cash, after being hit with a tax bill for several million dollars, and a porn career is a tempting offer.

The disgraced pugilist, who recently retired from boxing, was approached by Jenna's representatives to star as her partner in the upcoming film. (As an aside, attempting to find an appropriate image of Ms. Jameson was an accomplishment on it's own.)

He is quoted by Britain's Zoo magazine as saying: "I just talked to a gentleman called Jimmy who's involved with Jenna Jameson. They said they were interested in getting me involved in the adult film industry.

"I need the money up front."

Meanwhile, American boxing journalist Pedro Fernandez believes Tyson, who was jailed for six years in 1992 on rape charges, would triumph in the sex industry: "If Tyson brings out some of the ferocity that made him a champion, he could definitely become a successful adult film star."

Star Trek: The Original Series is the Best Show Ever Created.

2006-06-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

Just a teaser of things to come. WCSN Out.

Soccer Still Stinks

2006-06-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

I was recently awarded a gold medal for my innovative reporting on soccer and America. After asking 100 people in Rockerfeller Center about their opinions on this so-called "sport," I have come to a consensus. Americans still hate soccer. Here are some of the responses I received:

"Watch a world cup soccer game. There will be like 20 examples of guys falling down holding their legs and crying to the refs. I love how they always have the trainer run out to pretend that the player is hurt and rub an icepack somewhere. 30 seconds later the dude gets up and he's fine. That is a crybaby!"

"A sport that is enamored around the world but here in America is only suited for those under fifteen years of age."

"The amount of crying and carrying on gives professional soccer players the appearance of being whiny bi#@hes. Coincidentally, homosexuals are also whiny bi#@hes and this makes soccer players look like gays. If you meet an American who says he doesn't think soccer players are gays, he is either lying or he is a gay."

"A game invented by Europeans so that they have an excuse to riot. The rules are simple: Men with perms roll around on the ground faking injuries while not scoring any goals. After the game ends with a 0-0 tie (Nil-Nil for the Euros) the real stars of the game known as Hooligans begin rioting. Riots traditionally begin with flares thrown to burn the field. Afterwards the refs are chased by the hooligans, sometimes they are caught and killed."

"In all forms of the game scoring is so rare that should a ball accidentally cross the goal line, the TV announcers are required to perform a primal scream for the next 30 seconds. Followed by some form of Italian Fascist salute to the crowd and the obligatory riot."

"Soccer is the world's most popular sport for guys with ManPerms."

"A faux sport played by emaciated, effete European boys whom possess no discernible athletic skill."

"A sport where two teams of girls/feminine men run around and kick a ball for 90 minutes. Soccer fans get angry when they're called wusses just because their sport involves no contact and little to no use of the hands. They also insist that their sport is exciting despite the mundane nature of passing the ball a thousand times and extremely low scoring games. It is, however a good pastime for women who like to keep in shape."

"A simple game invented by English women who wanted to kill some time while their husbands cleaned the apartment and cooked dinner. (During WWII, thousands of American GIs stationed in Britain prior to the D-Day invasion were able keep British women occupied which led to a temporary decrease in soccer's popularity)"

"Soccer requires moderate stamina but very little skill or strategy, which is why it is such a popular sport in Bolivia and the UK."

"Soccer fans have inferiority complexes which explains why they have to grossly exaggerate the "skills" required to play soccer (i.e. kicking a ball around and remembering which goal is yours)."

What is your opinion?

To All the Haters...

2006-06-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

To all the recent vigilantes and haters of the World Champ, I would like to say....

Thank You! Your constant contributions have put my hit-count through the roof! Also, my broadcast area is expanding daily. You are each represented by a growing dot on my viewer map, and I appreciate it! Be sure to cast your vote in my weekly poll, and let your voice be heard. Your participation is highly valued.

Keep it up!

The Real McCoy

2006-06-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that SOME of my many fans are unsatisfied with the sources that I occasionally use to bring you the news of the world. You need not worry about this today! I will not be posting any reports by such frivolous (i.e.: unworthy of serious attention; trivial, inappropriately silly) media outlets as the Chicago Tribune, New York Times or the Times of London. Rather, I will hunt down other media outlets that are more appropriate. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the REAL news:

NEW YORK (www.fakenews.net) -- Bob Saget is back directing movies again. Unfortunately, he’s also back to doing voiceovers for video taped animals. Coming at the end of this Summer will be “Farce of the Penguins”, a mockumentary based on “March of the Penguins”, written, directed, and largely voiced by Saget. Also slated to add his voice-over talents is our pal Norm. Samuel L. Jackson has just signed on to narrate the film, and other voice-over actors include Tracy Morgan, Lewis Black, Jon Lovitz, Jason Alexander, and an unnamed actor who will be replacing Norm when he inevitably cancels out of the project at the last minute.

LOS ANGELES (E!) -- Jerry Lewis suffers from “a very minor” heart attack and the public suffers a memory relapse trying to remember if he’s the comedian or the singer that got busy with his 13-year-old cousin.

VIENNA, Austria (FNN 24/7) -- Six world powers agreed Thursday to offer Iran a new choice of rewards as incentive to give up suspect nuclear activities, including allowing them to continue enriching uranium in an effort to build a bomb.
"We'll do whatever it takes to bring Iran back to the table regarding disarmament talks," said British Foreign Secretary Margaret Becket. "I'd say we're being more than generous."

"It's like when you catch a child smoking, so you make them smoke the whole pack," said Condoleezza Rice. "Once Iran has all the unchecked nuclear capabilities they want, they'll realize it's not so great."

Rice stressed, however, that should Iran annihilate Israel, the UN security council may consider serious sanctions.

"If they do that, we just might take away their nuclear abilities for up to a month," she said, with a wry smile. "I don't think they want that."

And for the Image of the Day....

Soccer Team Practices Breakdance Moves, Just In Case Breakdancing Ever Comes Up In A Soccer Game.

WCSN Daily Dose of Fun

2006-06-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

Click here.

Hams Across America

2006-06-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

In a May dispatch from Atlanta on Southerners' notoriously unnutritious, fat-laden cuisine, a Chicago Tribune reporter watered readers' mouths with descriptions of the "hamdog" and the "Luther" (prized dishes of Mulligan's restaurant in Decatur, Ga.), which are, respectively, "a half-pound of hamburger meat wrapped around a hot dog, which is deep-fried and served on a hoagie topped with chili, bacon and a fried egg," and "a half-pound burger served with bacon and cheese on a Krispy Kreme doughnut." The 11 states from Washington, D.C., to Florida, west to Texas, have the nation's highest mortality rate from strokes, but, said a University of Mississippi professor, "Food is a strong emblem of identity for Southerners," uniquely shared across racial lines.

Why We Americans Hate Soccer, Part 2

2006-06-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every time a soccer player takes a fall, they act as if every tendon in their legs have been torn to shreads? Then, five seconds later, they go sprinting off downfield? This seems to be part of the international "soccer culture." Americans do not see this as manly or macho.

The Secret of the Stonecutters

2006-06-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the Metric System down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Altantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!

Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do!

Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!

This song is the ancient drinking song for the Stonecutters. The Stonecutters are a 1500 year old secret organization "who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth" The aim of the society, along with getting drunk, playing ping-pong and finding the Chosen One who has the Stonecutters symbol for a birthmark, is to manufacture beings out of stone for the "Hollywood Entertainment Machine." The World Champ has discovered two of their creations. Running back Eddie George and Actress/singer Jada Pinkett have two of the hardest, chiseled faces in the industry. Could they be human? Or are they simply beings made of stone? Only the Stonecutters hold the answers. Are there any others out there?

1000 Words

2006-06-09T10:58:00.001-07:00

"People Magazine reports Alanis Morissette and Ryan Reynolds have called it quits"

Logical Logos

2006-06-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

Scientology Races into the 21st Century!

2006-06-09T05:59:00.000-07:00

The Church of Scientology is gearing up to bring its message to a whole new arena: racing fans.

We already knew Tom Cruise was probably a NASCAR fan. After all, he did star in a movie about the sport called 'Days Of Thunder.' Perhaps it's Cruise' interest in the sport that has Scientology getting into the game. For those of you who somehow missed this landmark film, here is a quick review:

Tom Cruise as: "The Cocky Young Guy!"
by szbert Sep 8, 2004

Tom Cruise, the one trick pony star of Top Gun, Risky Business, All the Right Moves, A Few Good Men, Cocktail, Rainman, The Color of Money, Jerry Maguire and others plays THE COCKY YOUNG GUY, yet again. While his acting range is surely limited by his Colgate smile - he sure has this one character down. Unfortunately, despite the able assistance of The World's Greatest Actor, Robert Duvall, this movie stinks. It's perhaps best know for hooking Cruise up with his former wife Nicole Kidman who pretends to be a doctor. (Yeah, like I ever had a brain surgeon that HOT!!!) Cool racing footage - everything else pretty much stinks.

Now that Cruise has used his OT7 super powers to bring NASCAR into the cult realm, I believe that a quick refresher is due. To visit Tomkat's much friendlier cult page, click Here! Remember, by visiting this site, you can play the highly acclaimed blockbuster game, "Catch Tom's Crazy pills to keep Katie Quiet during Pregnancy or Xenu will come and take her away!" Will Katie be completely Silent during birth in accordance with Scientology's completely rational beliefs? Its up to you to protect her from the evil alien overlord Xenu. I have to admit this game is pretty hard I haven't actually beaten it yet. You may need some extra auditing before you can conquer level three.

But I digress. Back to the topic at hand. "Ignite Your Potential" is the mantra Scientology uses to get Tom Cruise and other Hollywood celebs jumping up and down. Now that message will be used to fuel the engines of a new NASCAR race team.

The venture is called The Dianetics Racing Team,"" named after the best-selling self-help book written by the movement's founder, science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard.

Kenton Gray, a California race-car driver who has said Dianetics helped his life and driving performance, will head up the Dianetics team.

"It's markedly improved my focus and my consistency," said Gray in a statement. "Through Dianetics I've handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete both on the track and in life."

Gray finished first in five regional races over the last year and ranked in the Top 5 in dozens of other races.

NASCAR did not address the idea that it now has a controversial new participant in its very successful money machine.

WCSN Caption Contest

2006-06-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

What caption would you give to this image? Post your ideas below. Remember, participation is by invitation only!

WCSN and Ebert

2006-06-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

I saw the movie "I, Robot" recently, a film based loosely on a book written by science fiction author Isaac Asimov. In case you're not familiar with Asimov's writing, here's a list of things the movie had in common with the book:

-The title.

I don't know why, but after the movie I came out of the theater wanting to buy a pair of Converse shoes (vintage 2004), have them delivered to my local FedEx station, drive my MV Augusta SPR motorcycle to pick them up, stop by the shop to have my new JVC CD player installed in my Audi, pick up a couple of Dos Equis on my way home, wash it down with an Ovaltine and then invest what money I have left into a mutual fund with Prudential Life Insurance.

I'm not exaggerating: this movie plugged 5 companies within a 10 minute block of time. That's roughly one advertisement every two minutes. Most prostitutes don't see that kind of action. The difference between a good movie and I, Robot, is that in a good movie, every shot counts; every word uttered has a purpose. You won't find the characters saying things like "nice shoes" to which Smith replies "vintage 2004." Thanks for the update Hollywood, we couldn't have figured out that the products you're cramming down our throats actually exist in real life.

Speaking of sloppy story, they could have cut this movie down to 3 minutes and still said everything they said in its current form. Here's how I would have changed this film: start out with a shot of Will Smith in a grocery store buying a 6 pack of Dos Equis beer, except instead of paying, the cashier is a Dos Equis marketing rep who hands Smith a thick wad of bills. Next shot: Smith finishes the last of the beer, walks over to Isaac Asimov's grave and urinates.

Why not? Same message, none of the hooey-hooey.

Other than giving creative control of the movie's content to advertisers, Will Smith stars as a nudist cyborg cop who has a prejudice against robots (seriously). The director had one tight shot on Smith's arse after another. It was enough to make women in the audience squirm. I even overheard a gay guy in front of me say to his partner "wow, this is pretty gay." Then they started making out, not because they necessarily wanted to, but because they wanted to remind people that they have the right, and a theater is a great place to make a political statement.

The only cool thing about the movie is that it has robots in it--or so I thought. They turned something as inherently cool as a master race of robots into a blubbering sob-fest of sissies wimpering endlessly about their feelings. Instead of running around beating women, children, and weaker men, the robots stood around baking cup cakes and talking about boys. It was like being in a candle store without a pipe bomb. Bad news.

Don't see this travesty.

Who Cut The Cheese?

2006-06-03T04:46:00.000-07:00

Every now and again, I like to tout the fact that colonial Americans kicked both the French and the British back across the Atlantic. Here is yet another reason why the Brits lost the Revolution. The Empire has given us the Stamp Act, Fish and Chips, and a reluctance towards oral health. Yet, beyond all of this, one can gain a better understanding of their failure to conquer the world by looking at their pastime. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you Cheese Rolling.

Here's how it goes:
There are 4 downhill races (one is for ladies). At the top of the hill, competitors (any number from 2 to a maximum of about 20) sit in a line and wait. The Master of Ceremonies escorts an invited guest to the start line and helps him / her to sit on the precipitous slope, holding a 7-8lb. 'Double Gloucester' cheese.

At the command (given by the M.C.) of ........

'ONE to be ready!'

'Two to be steady!'

'Three to prepare!' .....

........ the guest 'roller' releases the cheese, which rolls down the hill at great speed,

The M.C. continues .....

.... 'and FOUR to be off!'

At this point the competitors hurl themselves down the slope after the cheese. The first person to arrive at the foot of the hill wins the cheese. Those who come second or third receive a small cash prize. The slope has a gradient that is in places 1-in-2 and in others 1-in-1, its surface is very rough and uneven and it is almost impossible to remain on foot for the descent. Injuries incurred are usually minor and competitors (particularly the successful ones) enter again year after year.

The 4 downhill races are held at twenty minute intervals, and between the downhill races there are also uphill races - one for boys of 12 years and under, one for girls and an 'open' race. Obviously no cheeses are rolled, but a small cheese is the prize for the winner of each race.

REAL CHEESES ARE USED! However, during the rationing period of 1941-1954 a wooden substitute was used, this had a small niche that contained a token piece of cheese. At the end of the proceedings, sweets are scattered on the hill for a children's 'scramble' In the past, buns, biscuits and cake have been used.

This proud chap displays the trademark "British Smile" after successfully capturing the 'Double Gloucester.'

WCSN and Ebert

2006-06-03T04:26:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't remember, "Top Gun" was the movie about a bunch of guys who stand around high-fiving each other for about 90 minutes. The movie focuses on some loser named "Maverick" who penetrates deep into the coveted veil of the top gun academy of smug, sexually frustrated aviators. I know many of you reading this will probably think I'm exaggerating when I say this (since I exaggerate everything, except for my manliness which is enviable), but there were no fewer than 500 shower scenes in this movie. The wardrobe for this film must have consisted of a towel, a jump suit, and 50 pages of gay innuendo, because the rest of the time Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer were walking around naked eyeing each other's packages.
Then as if the director didn't think all the high-fiving and shower scenes were suggestive enough, there was a gratuitous scene in which all the guys got oiled up and played volleyball. Every few minutes I half-expected to see Cruise and Kilmer lock lips to a ballad of "It's Raining Men:"

My Favourite Time of Year

2006-06-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are reading this blog from beyond the semi-friendly confines of the United States of America, you may be unaware of the significance behind the date of May 31. Yes, we celebrate Independence Day on July 4th, and we also have Presidents Day (interestingly enough, the U.S. used to celebrate the birthdays of George Washington and Abe Lincoln on separate occasions. These were later grouped into one holiday, President's Day, on which we received a single day off from work. Now, we no longer care about our founding fathers, but celebrate MLK Day instead.) and Thanksgiving. But the most important date on the American calendar is actually May 31, as it marks the beginning of the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

The fanfare of the Spelling Bee is unmatched around the world. Soccer, rugby, cricket, jai alai or polo - you name it - pale in comparison to this stringent competition. The financial institutions and government offices across this great land are all closed down, and the 24-hour Wal-Mart locks it's doors at 10 p.m., all for the sake of this great American pastime. This is truly a time when old wounds heal, estranged spouses embrace, and bitter rivals sip corn alcohol together in peace.

In celebration of this National Day, I have gathered a few of my favorite moments from Spelling Bee's past. I can remember where I was, and who I was with, during each one - it's almost like going back in time. Please, sit back and enjoy the ardent, passionate and sometimes controversial episodes of the Scripps.

No one will ever forget the drama and emotion linked with the impenetrable spelling of alopecoid.

I can still remember when spelling legend Rebecca Sealfon won her first title by spelling euonym. The collective U.S. nation rose as one, shouting her praises.

Who can forget Dominic Arazzo's shocking insertion of Napoleon Dynamite on the national stage?

Why I Love Comic Books

2006-05-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Borrowing the "open thread" idea from my friend ckhnat, let's just see where this one goes. Post your comments below.

NIV with a Ribbon Bookmark: Dan "Southpaw" Smith

2006-05-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've decided to post a link to this gem as a marketing strategy. (Know your target market, etc. I've seen all 5 seasons of The Apprentice.)

Dan "Southpaw" Smith was born and raised in the Glass City, Toledo, Ohio. Now he DJs parties all over God's green Earth for freaks who are itching to dance. It is widely rumored that Dan is the one who let the dogs out. "Southpaw" mixes and scratches vinyl records (CDs are for wimps) while people shake their butts to a wide variety of clean dance music. Much taller than a hobbit, Dan Smith is a storyteller-preacher and comedy writer who is starting a new church in Cleveland, OH called Momentum Christian Church. Smitty recently organized the exciting Five-Man March in Washington, D.C.

Here's a taste. Click on the lyrics for a special treat:

I like 'em leather and bound
It's 50 pounds
I just can't understand
How it is, some weenie
Wants the Bible on CD
She wanna get you saved
Amen! Double up! A-men!

So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...
I find me a girl that shows midriff?"
You can have those bimbos
I'll keep those chicks that do devos.

Who's in the Hizzouse?

The French Are Just Like Babies - Bad Wine-rs.

2006-05-29T16:16:00.000-07:00

The Champ would like to mark this day of March 29th as an outstanding day in American history. Thirty years ago in Paris, a publicity stunt for a wine shop started a revolution for California's Napa Valley.

In 1976, a blind tasting pitted the best wines from France against wines from California. And to everyone's shock, the Californian wines won.

The event was dubbed "The Judgment of Paris" by the lone American journalist who covered the event. This week, 30th-anniversary reenactments of the tasting were held in London and California -- and again, the Californian wines came out on top.

The victory wasn't just a watershed moment for California winemakers, it also inspired grape growers and winemakers from other, then-unknown wine regions throughout the world.

Yet another reason why the French needed our help in the 1930's.

However, before you go thumbing off at the Frenchies, you must beware. After this momentous victory, one American man-about-town decided to capitalize on the Californian wine market, and came up with this less than stellar idea - Iron Wine. Every American knows that this is a terrible idea. Think of the dozens of Nattie Lights that you forced down in college, and the terrible "tinny" aftertaste. But, it never stopped you. Finally Coors came up with an ingenious "can liner" that boasts of creating the "coldest tasting beer" around. Nevermind the terrible metal aftertaste - although wasn't that the point? Well, the makers of Iron Wine have also developed a similar invention that will change the wine industry - the inside of the can is lined with an "exclusive lining" that ensures the wine never comes into contact with the aluminum, hence preserving its natural flavor and aroma. Do we believe it? No. Do we keep drinking Nattie Light? I think we all know the answer to that. Cheers!

Now You See It.

2006-05-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

I still don't know why seminary students love Harry Potter, but this entry is aimed at all of you.

New materials that can change the way light and other forms of radiation bend around an object may provide a way to make objects invisible, researchers said on Thursday. Two separate teams of researchers have come up with theories on ways to use experimental "metamaterials" to cloak an object and hide it from visible light, infrared light, microwaves and perhaps even sonar probes. Their work suggests that science-fiction portrayals of invisibility, such as the cloaking devices used to hide space ships in Star Trek, might be truly possible. Harry Potter's cloak or The Invisible Man of films and fiction might be a bit harder to emulate, however, because the materials must be used in a thick shell.

The concept begins with refraction -- a quality of light in which the electromagnetic waves take the quickest, but not necessarily the shortest, route. This accounts for the illusion that a pencil immersed in a glass of water appears broken, for instance. "Imagine a situation where a medium guides light around a hole in it," Physicist Ulf Leonhardt of Britain's University of St. Andrews, wrote in one of the reports, published in Friday's issue of the journal Science. The light rays end up behind the object as if they had traveled in a straight line. "Any object placed in the hole would be hidden from sight. The medium would create the ultimate optical illusion: invisibility, Leonhardt wrote. "Such devices may be possible. The method developed here can be also applied to escape detection by other electromagnetic waves or sound."

The theory is different from that used on modern "stealth" bombers, for example, which bounce radar off their surfaces so they cannot be seen. Instead, an object would be encased in a shell of metamaterials and they would create an illusion akin to a mirage, said David Schurig of Duke University in North Carolina, who worked on the second report. Metamaterials are composite structures that deliberately resemble nothing found in nature. They are engineered to have unusual properties, such as the ability to bend light in unique ways.

Like all physics, the invisibility idea requires a little imagination. "Think of space as a woven cloth," Shurig said in a telephone interview. "Imagine making a hole in the cloth by inserting a pointed object between the threads without tearing them." The light, or microwaves, or radar would travel along the threads of the cloth, ending up behind the object without having touched it. "You just need the right set of material properties and you can guide light," Shurig said.

The Duke lab started working on metamaterials with a grant from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. Such materials could provide super-light electronics in aircraft or cars, or highly efficient lenses. Working with John Pendry of Imperial College London, Shurig and David Smith at Duke came up with the idea of using these materials to bend light and other electromagnetic radiation. "We are going to try to have an experimental demonstration of these effects. There are a few more steps to go. We are working on these steps," Smith said in a telephone interview. Anyone making such a cloak would have to choose what form of radiation one wanted invisibility from, Shurig said. The invisibility would work both ways -- a person hidden from the visible light spectrum would have to use infrared or sonar or microwaves to see out, he said. "If want to cover the whole visible spectrum that would a tall order," Shurig said.

The Evolution of Sport

2006-05-27T04:36:00.000-07:00

Seeing how the U.S. media is trying to force World Cup soccer down the throats of Americans, I have decided to dedicate the next few postings to REAL American sports. Today I have decided to focus on basketball, as we are in the midst of the NBA playoffs. Although much can be said regarding the excitement and fanfare linked with the NBA Championship, I would like to address a smaller issue regarding game play.

When I was a youngster, like every American boy, I gave basketball a shot. Back them, the rules were relatively similar to those that exist today. Although I was a defensive specialist, there were times when ball-handling on the offensive end was necessary. And, the one regulation related to handling the rock is that of traveling. The definition of traveling is as follows: Essentially, only a single step can be taken while holding the ball. Anything else is called "traveling," or "steps."

With this in mind, I am in need of an explanation why Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash consistently takes at least two full steps with the ball while in the process of driving to the basket. Is there a rule change that I am unaware of? Or is this simply an outcome created from lackadaisical officiating over the past decade? I feel cheated in that I was called for this violation as a young champ, when in reality it was a "legal" move. Reparations?

Which One Are You?

2006-05-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

It has been said over the years that there are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who like Barry Manilow. Which type are you? I've decided to compile a brief summary outlining the facts surrounding these two idol/icons to help determine who would win in a celebrity death-match battle.

Looking at their lyrics, there doesn't seem to be much anger in either of them at all, let alone between each other. But, oh, what could have been. Both born in New York, and a mere two years apart. Did they run in rival circles? Were they friends? Are they friends now?

Barry Manilow
One of Barry's best known songs, "I Write The Songs," can be found on the 1975 album "Tryin' To Get The Feeling" Did you know that he didn't "write" it?

Manilow's record label Arista (Arista: Bristlelike process near the tip of the antenna of certain flies) took three years off his announced age when he was really 32--in 1975--and made him 29 years old so he would appeal to teens as well. This made him appear to have been born in 1946 instead of his actual birth year which is 1943. Manilow also reportedly wrote to Playboy (Playboy: A man devoted to the pursuit of pleasure) in 1965-when he would have been 22-asking for advice about music.

Manilow appeared as a guest judge and arranged music for American Idol (American Idol: a television show on the fox network in the united states) on April 24, 2004, the year in which he also embarked on his "One Night Live! One Last Time!" final tour. Some fans were unhappy that Manilow charged his fans $1000 to meet him after the show, but ticket sales were robust, landing Manilow's tour into the Top Ten club for box office grosses in 2004.

Neil Diamond
Neil has been surrounded with musical lore from the get-go. Here are a few urban legends that I found wandering aimlessly along the streets of Memphis.

1. Neil's real name is Noah Kaminsky.
This is false. Neil's real name is Neil Leslie Diamond. The New York Times reported on October 1, 1972, that Neil Diamond is Neil's real name but that he had considered changing it to Noah Kaminsky. This may have been the first time that the name Noah Kaminsky was mentioned in connection with Neil. People reading the article quickly may have seen both names and assumed that the more ethnic-sounding Noah Kaminsky was the singer's original name and the more glamorous-sounding Diamond was his stage name.

Neil's parents and brother are also named Diamond, and his yearbook picture at Abraham Lincoln High School appeared with the name Neil Diamond.

A reference book on the Billboard charts that was compiled by Joel Whitburn listed Noah Kaminsky as Neil's real name in at least one of its editions. This book is widely used by music industry people and music fans, so as a result, this false real name has spread.

Neil also told the story of almost changing his name to Noah Kaminsky in a television interview with Barbara Walters in 1985. During this interview, he also mentioned another name he considered - Eice Cherry (sometimes reported with the spelling Chary).

2. Neil is the father Dustin (Screech) and Mike (Mike D of Beastie Boys fame) Diamond.
Although Mike D and Screech are real-life siblings, this rumor is false again. Neil does have two sons, but they are not Dustin Diamond and Mike Diamond. His older son, Jesse (born April 30, 1970), joined him onstage during his 1992-1993 concert tour. They also collaborated in writing the song "Everybody", which appears on Neil's albums "Tennessee Moon" and "In My Lifetime". His younger son is named Micah (born Feb. 14, 1978). Neil also has two daughters, Marjorie and Elyn, and two grandsons, Alexander (who is Marjorie's son) and Elijah (who is Jesse's son).

The Verdict
Neil Diamond is Brando/Dean in polyester. The true loner rebel solitary man with no home, who wrenched his guts dry till there was nothing there but his first hit. The American dream incarnate. Plus, he even has his own urban legends. Manilow cannot make this boast.

I'm going to say that Diamond would win. He's got the charisma that Michael Flatley could only dream of, and he's got an inch (1") on Manilow. Manilow was never considered cool, while Diamond was very cool, in a singer-songwriter sort of way, in the late-60s, early-70s. Plus, Diamond was on NYU's fencing team, and he'd cut Barry to slices.

Viva Fifa!

2006-05-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

It's time once again for the great nations of the world to put aside all differences and rally around the one thing that brings mankind together: soccer.

Which brings up the old adage "If the captain of the U.S. soccer team falls during a match, and no one sees it, does it really exist?

The answer: Who cares.

No one in the U.S. gives a rats-ass about soccer. Viva!

The Most Important Patriotic Endeavor: Phil Olsen

2006-05-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

Phil Olsen finds it a bit unusual and unfair that the Germans dictate the rules. And he's had enough. Although Germany won gold in 14 of the 17 categories at the most recent World Beard and Moustache Championships, Olsen is fired up about the fact that the Berlin Beard Club's website offers information in every language EXCEPT English. But how do you topple a sleeping giant? Simple. You beat him at his own game!

Olsen, who serves as Captain of Team USA, has been busy assembling a rag-tag group of bearded wonders in an attempt to dethrone the reigning champs, and get some all-around respect. And what a job he's done! America's new world champion is Toot Joslin, who took top honors in the Sideburns category. Meanwhile 21-year-old rookie Jack Passion finished third in the highly competitive full beard natural category. Other Americans who made the podium were Jeff Well (third place, Dali), Bruce Roe (third place, Wild West), and Frank Madera (third place, Garibaldi). (To view all legal categories, with visual examples, click here!)

But just who are these faceless patriots of the free world? Find out for yourself! Now you too can follow Phil and the United States Beard and Moustache Team through Europe as it prepares to take on the dominant Association of German Beard Clubs at the World Beard and Moustache Championships (WBMC), thanks to an upcoming film project. To catch a sneak preview of the documentary "Splitting Hairs," which focuses on the lives of WBMC stars Phil Olsen, Gary Johnson, and Bruce Roe, click here! This film culminates at the Championships themselves, where the upstarts of Team USA battle it out against beard and moustache teams from all over the world, including Phil's nemesis, the formidable Association of German Beard Clubs.

For an in depth look at the individual Team USA stars, and a never-before seen glimpse into their philosophies on bearding and the Krebs Cycle, click here! Will Team USA emerge victorious? Will the Germans once again lace up the jack-boots? Whose beards will reign supreme?

World Champ Stephen Neal Archives

Who Wants a Moustache Ride?

Appearance Matters. . . .

The Champ's Top Ten Reasons for Growing a Beard

Happy Thanksgiving

While I Have Been Away. . . . .

Africa and the Champ - A Match Made in Heaven

Reminiscences, again...

Why Manscaping is a Bad Idea (a salute to Beast and Frobisher)

There are days you have good cards. And there are days you have GREAT cards.

Tuesday's Transom

Stephen Neal always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

The Calm Before The Storm

Show Your Support Today!

Who's With Me???!!!

Tabula Rasa

W.W.W.C.S.N.D.?

Tips for T

A Savage Sandwich

Happy Beast Day

The World Champ Heeds the Call

A Message for the Empire

Another Day in the Life...

A Day in the Life of the World Champ

Back To Business

The Horror! The Horror!

Who Is Like The World Champ?

Slogan: "Do you wash your plumbs?"

Our next contestant is none other than the handsome heartbreaker, Captain Tenneal. Also known as "The Skipper,"Captain Tenneal enjoys Donkey work, Monkey Business, Horse Play and Cock Fun.Slogan: "Get it On!"

Of course, this list wouldn't be complete without Jimmy Junk. Also called Danny Glands, Golden Shower Boy, and numerous other names, JJ is best known for for his ability as a cunning linguist. He sings and has a skillful use of body language? You better believe it.

Still the World Champ

You Asked For It...

A Great Tree Has Fallen

Reminisences

Coming Soon ... More Kirk!?

The Femme Fatalist!

Calling All Viewers...

Did Someone Mention "Special Announcement?"

You Be The Judge

And The Winner (Finally) Is...

Remember When ...

And the Winner Is...

Intermission

God Save the Queen, Already!

Coming Soon: "God Save the Queen!"

Blog on the Brink

The People Have Spoken!

Bulletproof Munch

The WCSN Anemic Cinema

Coming Soon:

Clash of the Titans

A Triumphant Return! (and a beard trim)

Amazing Acronyms!

Wrapping Things Up: The Kirk

WCSN Question of the Day

The Dramatic Conclusion

A Post for the Most

Happy Holidays, or Condolences!

Kirk and His Women, Part 2

A People's Movement

WCSN Listing of Grievances

WCSN Salute to Magicians

And The Results Are In...

The Wrath of Champ

WCSN Caption Contest

For Those Who Played the Beast Challenge...

The Real History of the Universe, or Why I Hate Scientology.

I Hate George Takei

A Secret on the Bridge

Let's Make a Deal

Kirk and his Phaser

You Did WHAT?

And The Winner Is...

Enquiring Minds Want To Know.

Star Trek: The Original Series is the Best Show Ever Created, Part 2.

A Champion of Controversy

Star Trek: The Original Series is the Best Show Ever Created.

Soccer Still Stinks

To All the Haters...

The Real McCoy

Our next contestant is none other than the handsome heartbreaker, Captain Tenneal. Also known as "The Skipper,"Captain Tenneal enjoys Donkey work, Monkey Business, Horse Play and Cock Fun.

Slogan: "Get it On!"